“You should not be offended if he wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped him. If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding, you have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. He will be more likely to follow your suggestions.”
Some potential sponsorships do not fully come into being. Every sponsorship comes to an end. The shortest sponsorship I have ever had was around 15 seconds. 15 seconds in, the chap decided he’d made a mistake. Fair enough. Another sponsee was a sponsee for 20 years, until the chap decided to go down a different path. Likewise: fair enough.
Firstly: don’t be offended. Why would I be? It’s not personal. I’m not entitled to have others view sponsorship by me as a match or an ongoing match. The point of sponsoring people is to help them get to a point where they rely on God, and I cannot assume that the path that God wants them on will involve me. Sponsorship is not about building groups, lineages, networks, dynasties, or clans. Having five or ten sponsees does not mean one has ‘built’ something that is more than the sum of its parts. Sponsorship is about one-to-one assistance for as long as God wishes. Having lots of sponsees simply means one has multiplied something horizontal, but there is no additional height or internal structure.
The same goes the other way round, too: being let go by a sponsor does not mean I’m not sponsorable or cannot get well, merely that that is not the right path for me right now.
Secondly: when exiting, exit cordially, whichever way round it happens, because the exit exchange may be the last contact you’ll ever have, and the tone of that last contact will ring in the person’s ears in perpetuity, so the ideal is to keep it neutral, thank them for the notification, and wish them well. Neither effusive, nor sentimental, nor terse or abrupt. Express gratitude or goodwill, in the manner appropriate to the relationship. There’s no need to have a phone call, and some people simply perform a French exit, which is fine, too. There’s no need for an exit interview, which is an ordeal for both. Preserve the other person’s face and allow them the dignity to react as they wish rather than having to put on a front or embarrass themselves. Writing is almost invariably best. As a sponsor, if someone tries to exit, don’t try to persuade them otherwise or give them some closing advice. I’ve made that mistake. The letterbox has already been moved. You’re trying to post something through a brick wall.
Thirdly: when someone ends sponsorship, either way round, it’s not a mistake, and it’s not against God’s will. It’s usually overdue, and which person ends it is more a sign of which of the two is quicker off the mark to recognise something that’s already happened. The end of the sponsorship always precedes the acknowledgement thereof.
Fourthly: the end of the sponsorship is not necessarily the end of the relationship. Sponsorship constrains the relationship to a particular channel, which means that the end of the sponsorship, rather than ending the relationship, opens up other possible channels of interaction that should not be combined with sponsorship. It’s therefore more the removal of a constraint. One is therefore open to cordiality and even friendship, as the quotation says. There should not be the sense that the person is banished, made to sit on the naughty step, cast into outer darkness, or has ‘gone over to the dark side’. A different path is just different. Not worse.
Fifthly: the last thing to avoid is any form of overt or implied excommunication. Cutting other ties or halting other channels of communication will look like punishment. This is partly why the notion of the ‘sponsee family’ is so pernicious. It’s all very well creating that, and it goes swimmingly for a bit, but if someone leaves the sponsorship they’re then excluded from a social group. That’s an awful thing to set people up for. This is why: no lineages, networks, dynasties, or clans based on sponsorship. No face-to-face or Zoom meetings or groups, no WhatsApp groups, no retreats, no conferences chiefly or mostly for sponsees or built around sponsorship. Sponsorship is a private arrangement between two people, like the confession box.