As with any other Step Eight, in a Step Eight on a relationship, I write out the things I did wrong that I shouldn’t have done, and the things I failed to do I should not have done. Here are some items I would not put:
“I should not have got into the relationship.”
Unless the fact of the relationship was demonstrably wrong, e.g. it was an extramarital affair, the person was genuinely vulnerable, the person writing the Step Eight was systemically violent, there was a gross abuse of power, or there was some other specific factor, this conclusion is hard to draw fairly. If a relationship persisted for a while, there was likely some good, and to draw this conclusion is to deny the good. It also effectively criticises the other person’s decision to get into it. Just because it turned out badly does not mean it was not fair to give it a go, and it is not reasonable to judge the decision based on hindsight. Even if one had mixed feelings at the time, that’s common and not a reason for not giving a relationship a go. If everyone waited until they were certain, few would get into relationships, and such certainties often involve folly or self-deception in any case and turn out to have been unreliable. The fact is that one did get into the relationship, and so there must have been more evidence in favour of getting into it than not getting into it. It is thus virtually impossible to fairly judge such a decision with so many upstream factors, so many downstream consequences, and another person with their factors and consequences. The assertion is also much like the teenage complaint, “I wish I had never been born.” Life is better than non-life; relationships are better than sitting in a room on one’s own until one is ‘well’. Of course most early relationships are a catastrophe, but that is how people learn. One has to have relationships to learn how to do them properly, and there is value in that experience.
“I should have got out of the relationship earlier.”
This is compromised on the same grounds as the previous item. In addition, just because it did not work out does not mean it might not have. People turn around the most desperate situations. When a company is trading insolvently, it is actually obliged under company law to continue to trade if there is any reasonable possibility of trading out of the insolvency and then paying back all the creditors. One does not shut up shop at the first sign of financial difficulty, or no one will be paid. It’s a gamble, but it’s a moral gamble.
“I did not love him/her.”
This is such a hopelessly vague statement it does not mean anything. There are many forms of love, and clearly there must have been one or more forms of love for one to be in the relationship with the person out of the many billions on the planet. One might not have loved them in accordance with a television ideal, but one apparently loved them more than anyone else. There is also the false assumption that a particular type of relationship has to have a particular type of love, and that type of love must both be present constantly and must never be overshadowed by other feelings. Does one love the person? Depends on what time of day you’re asking.