“How can I make myself aware that my weak-kneed acceptance of an unacceptable situation is a reflection on my own self-respect? Am I a milk sop, a slave, to be pushed around at the will of a sick personality?” (ODAT, 16 January)
‘Accept’ is polysemous. It can mean to acknowledge a reality, to view with equanimity, or to refrain from action.
With so-called unacceptable situations, the first two forms of acceptance are always warranted.
I should always see things as they are, and I should always view everything with equanimity.
Antecedent to the question of whether to take action is the determination of what action is viable.
I have never successfully stopped anyone drinking or using, and there is nothing substantial and lasting one can do about the other behaviours, I have found.
There is no point in setting boundaries. They don’t want to obey, and, even if they want to, they can’t, and even if they want to and can, they shouldn’t: they should be deciding for themselves, not bowing to me. On the rare occasions they obey, the cost to the relationship outweighs the benefit.
Typically, in a domestic situation, I have had three options: stay, move out, kick them out. In most other situations, the only two options are to stay in the relationship or interaction or to leave it. Nothing else is on the table.