“The four of them lived under her thumb, so of course they couldn’t do much growing up.” (ODAT, 12 October)
The infantile behaviour I’ve found to exist both on the alcoholic and the alanonic side. There are several dubious benefits of outsourcing authority and responsibility to someone else.
Firstly, if something goes wrong, it’s not my fault.
Secondly, I don’t have to think anything through.
Thirdly, I don’t have to take any action.
Fourthly, the other person, in performing the action I should be performing for myself, is showing that they ‘love’ me (so I think).
It’s fascinating how, when (a) asks (b) for some information, and (b) points out that the information is in the group details, the email chain, a previous conversation, or a piece of Al-Anon literature or could easily be found in under 5 seconds by Googling a couple of words, (a) becomes angry: not relieved and enlivened by discovering they have the power, but furious that the gambit has been unmasked. The game is clever: (b) is given the choice between the roles of dupe or cold parent.
Best, however, to risk the second, by pointing out neutrally how the other person can answer their own question or solve their own problem. The thumb shrinks; and some growing-up takes place.