“No matter how unbearable a person’s situation appears, I know I am not capable of judging it since I can’t possibly know all the factors involved.” (ODAT, 15 October)
When people ask for advice on a situation in their lives, I am aware that firstly only some of the facts are revealed and secondly the facts are being positioned in such a way as to elicit a particular response.
If I give advice, there’s a risk it will go wrong, and it will be my fault.
If I give advice, and it goes well, I’m setting myself up for further dependence.
If I give the advice desired, I’m playing into the scheme.
If I dig or delve or give different advice, it usually provokes annoyance, and it becomes clear I’ve not played the part that was assigned to me.
In Al-Anon in particular, the advice sought usually revolves about how a person should ‘stand up for themselves’, ‘speak up’, ‘not accept unacceptable behaviour’, ‘be honest’, ‘state their wants or needs’, ‘say how they feel’, or ‘set boundaries’.
In other words, the person is looking for support to say something in order to get someone else to act differently.
I’ve learned, instead, to help the person unpack the perception of the situation and look at what they can change in themselves.
That’s a safe path, although it’s rarely sought.