“An interesting exercise, and one well worth a few moments of reflection, would be to consider the exact meaning of the phrase “to take offense.” These words describe an act of willingly taking into ourselves a hurt we feel somebody intended to inflict on us. We take offense. We don’t have to take it.” (ODAT, 27 August)
What is interesting is that upset is chosen because it is seen as in one’s own interests to be upset. To attempt to relieve someone else’s upset, therefore, is to get in the way of their plan. Whatever people say, other people’s upset is not a problem but the accepted consequence of a bigger decision, the cost of a greater investment, the flipside of a cast-iron plan. It is only when the person is willing to look at the positive reason for creating the upset that any progress can be made. The worst possible response is to give people the payoff sought. What is the payoff? Usually whatever one feels inclined, pulled, drawn to say to comfort, relieve, alleviate, mitigate, co-sign.