“Can I ask you something in the name of trying to understand. Is it normal with narcissistic-like behaviour in those with addiction? For me I’m continuously subject to love bombing, then anger and withdrawal, then again love bombing and promises. I hate this loop and am working to stop it. But I’m wondering if this is common in addiction and if so, why? Thanks!”
First of all, I separate out facts and my characterisations
of those facts. For instance, I might describe the specific behaviour that I’m
characterising as ‘narcissistic’ or the specific behaviour that I’m
characterising as ‘love-bombing’ rather than using those terms. The behaviour
is the fact. Precisely what they’re doing can’t be argued with. But I’m in no
position, as a regular Al-Anon member rather than a psychologist, to apply
jargon terms from psychology like ‘narcissistic’. I’m also in no position to
conclude that someone being nice or kind or pleasant or buying presents or whatever
is ‘love bombing’, because that conclusion involves too much subjectivity. The
term, like ‘narcissistic’, is ill-defined, and its application is a technical
matter that is above my paygrade.
The reason I strip back these characterisations is because
they involve a combination of neutral assessment of what is going on plus
condemnation or at the very least an assumption of malice or pathology. Those
assumptions are not mine to make.
If I want to develop good relations with others, condemnation
will not help. It jaundices my view, and people certainly sense strongly the feeling
of superiority that is behind such condemnations: when I condemn, I’m
positioning myself above the person, and that is keenly felt, however well I
think I’m hiding it.
Now, this is not to say that the person I am trying to have
a relationship with does not have character defects, and these may be glaring and
disagreeable, but, if I’ve decided that I want to stay in a relationship with
them, I have to take off the hats of clinician and judge and put on the hat of human
being.
That involves simply responding rightly to each contribution,
from a position of non-judgement and neutrality. From that position, I will see
far more clearly, and a way forward is clear. It’s impossible to figure out how
to handle ‘narcissism’ or ‘love-bombing’ but quite easy to figure out how to
handle a particular act or conversational contribution. The problem lies in the
detail and the answer lies in the detail. The answer does not lie in general policies
but a thousand small seekings of God’s will (Step Eleven), moment by moment,
day by day.
My job is not to figure out what is going on inside the
person and respond to that but to respond to what actually presents, and no two
situations are precisely alike, so no two responses are precisely alike.
I don’t need to understand them from their inside view: I
simply need to work out my move on the chess board.
“I hate this loop and am working to stop it.”
I can’t fix, change, or control others’ behaviour.
What I can fix, change, or control is my own, with the help
of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon.
One of the things that can be altered is the hatred.
“… in the name of trying to understand … But I’m wondering if this is common in addiction and if so, why?”
That’s an interesting question, but I’m not sure it’s a useful one. If the answer is ‘yes’ or the answer is ‘no’, one is still left with dealing with what Sally or Bobby just said or did. And, whyever they are like this is not relevant to how I should respond. In other words, I need to understand not them but me and why I respond the way I do. That’s the more useful course of investigation.
The real kicker is this. They could make a list, too, of my character defects.
They may be different, but they’re there, and I’ve been horrified to discover
that I can be as insufferable as the alcoholic—sometimes, in an alcoholic
household or setting, it is the untreated Al-Anon who everyone lives in dread
of.
There is enough to change in me without fruitlessly trying to figure out what is going on with them and attempting to change that.