“If you apply more lashes, you’re inviting him to transfer some of his guilt to you. This can keep him from reaching his ‘bottom’ and realizing how much he needs help to find sobriety.” (ODAT, 5 July)
This is why it’s a good idea for me not to engage. Only if the conflict stays internal will it eventually resolve in the direction of recovery. Whilst the conflict is between the alcoholic and me, I’m helping keep them trapped in the conflict. Outsourcing one side of the conflict to me actually provides the alcoholic with relief, because they now have internal unity (at the cost of external conflict). External conflict is painful but not as painful as internal conflict.