“We come to Al-Anon, however, not to take inventory of others, but of ourselves. It is because we, too, are immature individuals that we are attracted to alcoholics as marriage partners—a sort of child calling to child.” (ODAT, 16 July)
And not only marriage partners.
Being a child is rough. It can take a little while as an
adult to acquire autonomy (although those who strive for that early seem to
achieve it quickly). What does not wash, as an adult, in my thirties, in my
forties, in my fifties is treating myself as a victim of circumstances I worked
very hard to create when I might have done a thousand other things, lived in a
thousand other places, related to a thousand other people.
After a while, everything is chosen.
The real question is not what is wrong with this, with here,
with him, with her, but what is wrong with me.
Why did I choose this? What was the payoff?
The hidden payoff is always more interesting and
enlightening than the overt difficulty: the payoff’s the real reason for the
difficulty. The difficulty is the price I think I can afford for the prize I
cherish.
When I realise the price is the family silver, there’s
Al-Anon waiting to show me a different way.