INTRODUCTION
Resentment is a persistent state of resistance to reality. In it, I am preoccupied with or touchy about something I do not like. Why don’t I like it? It’s depriving me of something I want or threatening something I’ve got.
Resentment thus stems from wanting to get or keep something and is closely linked to fear:
“The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear—primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.” (Step Seven, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)
Resentment is the state of continual disturbance and frustration because I haven’t got my own way.
1. SERENITY PRAYER
The first thing to do is to apply the Serenity Prayer.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” (Step Three, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions).
The first thing to ask, is, ‘Is this something I can change?’ If not, go onto the following section.
If I can change something, the next question is, ‘Is this something I should change?’
Take your pick of passages from the Big Book or Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, but this one works well:
“Thy will be done.”
If I honestly believe it is God’s will, then I take the requisite action. Problem solved. Stop reading and get on with the day.
For those things I cannot or should not change.
2. SEE THROUGH WANTING
“The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.” (Page 60, Big Book)
Resentment is based on wanting, but wanting is a bad way to live. It does not produce success, for the following reasons:
- It’s hard to get what I want
- When I don’t get what I want, I get frustrated and/or frightened
- When I do get what I want, I’m often disappointed
The truth is that happiness comes from two sources:
(1) Adjustment to what is
“Successful readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love. This involves a process of deflation. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his “in-laws,” each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family’s attitude towards himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.” (Page 122)
(2) Fulfilling God’s will
“right action is the key to good living; therefore the joy of good living is the theme of AA’s Twelfth Step” (Step Twelve, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)
This stage thus involves realising I’m unhappy not because I have not got my own way but because I want my own way, and I would be better off seeking God’s way. Step Three is necessary not just to keep me from drinking but is the only path to happiness.
3. ADJUST EXPECTATIONS: TOLERANCE AND PATIENCE
If someone has not behaved how I want, I am either being unreasonable or unrealistic.
A cold analysis of the situation (“We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle,” (Page 66, Big Book)) reveals I’m usually demanding more than is reasonable. That’s the unreasonable bit. Everything else I’m demanding is unrealistic. Why? Realism is about reality. If something didn’t happen a certain way, it is because the conditions were not in place for it to happen.
Two lessons:
(1) Expect things to suit me less than I would like.
(2) Expect a large number of things not to go to plan.
I am not to attempt to fix, change, or control others (that’s tolerance).
I am to develop cheerful acceptance of the disagreeable (that’s patience).
4. DEVELOP UNDERSTANDING AND PITY
“Our next function is to grow in understanding” (Page 85, Big Book)
With others’ behaviour: either they’re behaving well or they’re not. If they’re behaving well, I’m the one with the problem and I should go and have a good talking to myself. If they’re not behaving well, why not?
“We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick … they, like ourselves, were sick too” (Page 67, Big Book)
“Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.” (Page 62, Big Book)
If they’re sick, they’re driven by ego, not God. They’re not in the driving seat. They’re in the “well-known stages of a spree” (Doctor’s Opinion, Big Book).
I cannot legitimately blame them for being unwell.
I should also recognise that I’m in the same boat: the same set of selfish motivations used to guide me and, when I’m unwell, still guide me today. I’m still work in progress. The fact I’ve made progress at all is to do with God’s intervention in my life, not my merit, so I’m in no position to judge or look down on others.
“Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.” (Page 27, Big Book)
One is either guided by the ego or dominated by God: true for them, and true for me. Compassion and pity for those still guided by the ego is the order of the day.
“Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.” (Page 108, Big Book)
PITSTOP SUMMARY
To sum up:
Resentment occurs because I’m applying the Serenity Prayer backwards. I’m not changing the things I can or not accepting the things I can’t.
The answer: change the things I can (and should).
Then deal with the things I can but shouldn’t change or can’t change.
How?
- Recognise that getting my own way is not the route to happiness
- Recognise the unreasonable nature of most of my demands
- Recognise the unrealistic nature of the rest
- Develop tolerance and patience of others
- Develop compassion and pity of others
- Identity with others’ imprisonment in the ego
This leaves us with a final element: the installation of new software.
5. SUBSTITUTION
Resentment is not just an existential position. It’s an activity performed in real time.
“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.” (Page 66, Big Book)
If it’s happening, I’m letting it.
I need to stop by installing new software, substituting its routines for the old ones.
Here’s how:
“We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, ‘This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.’ … God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.” (Page 67, Big Book)
“Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.” (Page 84, Big Book)
“Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.” (Page 85, Big Book)
“We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.” (Page 133, Big Book)
“When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed-of future.” (Page 119, Big Book)
In short, I need to stop performing the resentment and instead perform gratitude and constructive focus on my own action:
“Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding principle.” (page 128, Big Book)
That is the long and the short of it.