“Member A is explaining how an Al-Anon idea can be applied to B’s problem. B, interrupting, says: ‘Yes, but …’ and proceeds to show how different her case is, and how much worse than others, and that it couldn’t possibly be solved by anything as simple as applying a Step or a slogan, for example.” (ODAT, 18 July)
When I’m asked for input (which does not happen very often),
and I start to provide it, I listen very carefully to how it is received. As
soon as I hear a ‘yes, but …’ or a ‘what about …?’, I stop. Sometimes there’s a
practical question about application, but anything but, ‘oh, great!’ is usually
a sign of resistance.
The answers were there all along, even when I was a child:
if I had really read some of the books on the shelf in my room and made the
decision to look at things differently, I could have learned. God was there the
whole time, too, together with books about how to form a relationship with Him,
and even people who had a relationship with him. There were clergy around. Did
I enquire or submit? No.
What this reveals is the terrific investment in unhappiness,
in blame, and in not finding solutions. It’s amazing how many shares one hears
at meetings are not about a step or a tradition or a concept or a slogan but
are about circumstances or emotions: the illusion that if I focus on the
circumstances or express the emotions my life will change automatically. It
won’t. The solutions are there if I want them, but I have to want them more
than I want my problem.