“In Al-Anon, when we ‘let’ them get on with it, does that mean playing dumb and pretending I don’t know he is drinking?”
The notion of letting implies I have the power to permit or
prohibit the drinking. Unless the alcoholic is literally under lock and key,
with me holding the keys, I am not in a position to permit or prohibit.
Whether I indicate I know what is going on or ignore it and
do not let on is an entirely different question than whether or not the
alcoholic is drinking.
The question, per the Al-Anon steps, is, “What is God’s will
for me, in this situation?”
The options are telling the truth, lying, or staying out of
the topic.
Which of those is valid is up to the person in the
situation.
I can say that my two options are usually telling the truth
or staying out of it.
The real problem here is the addiction to the alcoholic.
The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol.
The Al-Anon is addicted to the alcoholic.
The Al-Anon’s addiction to the alcoholic is part of the
alcoholic’s addiction to the alcohol: it’s helping keep the system going.
If I don’t want to be with the alcoholic when they’re
drinking, I don’t have to be.
The conversation has sometimes gone like this:
Me: I’m off.
Him: Why?
Me: You’ve been drinking.
Him: No I haven’t!
Me: OK.
[Exit Me, stage left]
I’ve found the only effective solution is complete detachment, both practically and in my mind.