“When I am depressed and apprehensive, it’s a great help to call my sponsor or another group friend to talk things over. But I want to be very clear on what I am looking for. Do I want comfort and a straightening out of my thinking?” (ODAT, 15 May)
The first person in Al-Anon to help me, who themselves had
been in Al-Anon for decades, provided no comfort but instead solutions.
I once phoned her and said, “I’m frightened my mother might
commit suicide.” I thought she would reassure me. She did not. She said, “She
might. I suggest you get used to the idea.” She was absolutely right. It was
that way that peace lay.
What was the solution, schematically?
Firstly, to unwind the problem.
What was the problem?
How I was seeing things.
What things?
Everything.
If I was depressed, I was seeing things wrong.
If I was anxious, I was seeing things wrong.
If I had low self-worth, I was seeing things wrong.
If I was upset, I was seeing things wrong.
Essentially, I was wrong.
I needed to throw away the entire perception of the world,
start with a fresh sheet of paper, and be instructed.
My feelings were not validated: they were identified as the
upshot of error. When the error was corrected, the feelings changed. I was told
not to sit with negative feelings (any more than one sits with a dirty kitchen
or nits in one’s hair) but to systematically clear out my thinking, through the
Twelve Steps, the slogans, and the book One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, in the
same way that would clean a dirty kitchen or get rid of the nits.
Not sympathy: solutions. That’s really the most sympathetic
commodity to provide.
As a result, I’ve learned to be at peace whatever the circumstances
and to live an interested life regardless of anyone.