“Nevertheless, our first concern is our own improvement. For this reason we do not discuss the actions and faults of our spouses, but confine ourselves to overcoming the tensions and anxieties of our own situations. … In our group discussions we avoid long recitals about the misbehavior of the alcoholic, because they do not promote our growth.” (ODAT, 6 May)
When I’m talking about them, I’m acting out the Al-Anon obsession with changing something I am powerless over.
The alcoholic drinks. The Al-Anon thinks (and talks) about the alcoholic.
I get to think and talk about the alcoholic not in a group or public setting but one to one with a sponsor, confessor, or confidant, and then only to devise a suitable practical response to a specific situation that demands my response.
Otherwise: nil by mouth.