“Why do I do what I do? Why did I say what I did? Why did I put off an urgent task? Questions like these … demand honest answers. I may have to think deep for them. I must go past all the tempting self-justifications, the ‘reasons’ that lack the shine of truth.” (ODAT, 25 May)
JEDI (justification, explanation, defence, and intentions)
Invariably untrue when I’m driven to extrude them, splatter
them out.
What is the truth of why I did something badly, late, or not
at all?
Laziness, avoidance, incompetence, not knowing how to do it,
not wanting to do it, not wanting to ask, pretending the task did not exist, not
wanting to make an effort, not wanting to inhabit the task, preferring to do
something else, preferring to do anything else, hoping no one would notice,
hoping the task would go away, hoping leaving the task undone would have no ill
effects, hoping someone else would do it, hoping someone else would do it for
me, thinking I deserved a break, thinking I deserved a rest, thinking I could
get away with three-quarter, half, one-quarter, one-tenth measures,
unwillingness to follow instructions, unwillingness to do something else
someone else’s way, thinking the task beneath me, feeling ill-used at the
prospect of performing the task.
What is the truth of why I said what I said?
Anger, teaching someone a lesson, punishment, goading,
hectoring, giving someone a taste of their own medicine, paying someone back,
making someone see, manipulating them into stopping something, starting
something, doing something different, impressing someone, inducing someone to
think well of me, inducing someone to think less ill of me, forefending
criticism or the attribution of responsibility, redirecting others’ attention
or blame, filling the space because I do not like silence, filling the space
because I do not want a certain topic raised or a certain thing to be
discussed, filling the space because I enjoy the attention, filling the space
to keep someone on the phone or in the room, recruiting someone else into my
preoccupying grievance, self-righteous scorn, scoffing, or victimhood.
And the funny thing is, I’ll think I’m being subtle.
It’s perilous to even open one’s mouth. Usually best not.