“Nobody but God understands what goes on inside another human being.” (ODAT, 15 May)
A good starting point.
That means I need not figure out others’ internal condition,
if for no other reason than I cannot.
As an Al-Anon, I have had a tendency, when talking to
people, to respond asymmetrically by ignoring what is said on the surface and
responding to what I speculate is going on inside the person.
People find this really annoying, I have discovered.
It derails the conversation and leaves them unable to
continue, as they do not know whether to pick up from where they left off or
where I have teleported them (which would tacitly co-sign the intrusive
speculation into their internal condition and reward my behaviour): it forces
them either to comply with my usurpation of the conversation or violently yank
the conversation back to its original track, neither of which is desirable.
I have also had a tendency to anticipate others’ speculated
and certainly unstated needs and then to ‘meet them’, even against the person’s
express wishes, because I ‘know’ what they want or need.
People also find this both intrusive and aggravating. This
can derail the whole relationship. People feel watched, and also misunderstood,
which they indeed are.
The above is profoundly unhelpful.
Bingo is thus called for: ‘Eyes Down’ (concentrate on my own
Bingo card).
It also considerably frees up the day to treat others as
unfathomable boxes: all I have to do is read what’s on the surface and respond
to that.
This has the miraculous effect of inducing others to alter
their interactions with me: they know that, unless they specifically ask a
question, they won’t get an answer; unless they specifically ask for something,
they won’t get it; in other words that I have stopped ‘reading their mind’, and
they can no longer rely on me doing so. This takes the interaction out of the
murky depths of speculation into the drying light of day.
Another thing that does not matter. What others think of me.