“With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.” (Chapter Five, Big Book)
For years, in the past, beset with problems that seemed to have persisted for years, if not decades, I thought: “I just need to up my meetings; do a bit of daily inventory; listen to a few more speakers, talk about it a bit more” etc.
I thought the programme always worked very slowly, so all I had to do was try a little harder, a little longer, “get back to where I was before”, and then everything would be alright.
I would also look regularly down psychological avenues, because the programme was great as far as it went, but it did not go far enough.
The problem was that I did not have a programme at all. I was using the tools of the programme but did not know what they were really for, and I had no Power Source, because I was my own power source, and I am not a power source.
It became apparent I did not have a solution to resentment, fear, guilt, or shame, even though the solutions were presented plainly on pages 63 to 71 of the Big Book. I would even go through some of the motions of these pages (especially ‘writing’) but never fully, never consistently, and never with my full self. The results were, as they say, nil.
It was only when I recognised:
- I was in serious trouble,
- I did not have a solution, and
- There was a solution,
… that I looked again and realised I was at square one with the programme. I had nothing. I had to start from there. The only entrance to the building is at ground level.