“There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen—we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided.” (Chapter 6, Big Book)
When I first completed the Steps properly, I whizzed through amends and got them done. Inelegantly at times, but always sincerely, so done they were. Although I later found much more I needed to amend, the first run was genuinely the best of which I was capable.
I have sometimes heard people not completing their amends because we must be kind and gentle to ourselves, and instead recognise how much we’re doing and achieving just by being sober and going to meetings.
The word ‘owe’ is used in connection with amends.
If my clients or employer did not pay me what they owed me when invoices fell due or at the end of the month, because they were being kind and gentle to themselves and were doing so well generally there was no need to pay me as well, I would rightly think myself ill used.
Not only it is unfair to people who I have wronged and who have already waited long enough for an apology or repayment, but it is not even kind or gentle to me, either, to leave my relationships unresolved and my unconscious dirtied with all of the unfortunate acts I have not amended.
The absolute kindest thing I ever did for myself was complete that first set of amends and then clear up whatever arose in my behaviour or consciousness.