Codependency, insecurity, and the high rising terminal

The high rising terminal is a very interesting phenomenon.

The term may be unfamiliar to you if you're not a linguist, but you'll surely be familiar with the phenomenon: ending a phrase, clause, or sentence with a rise in pitch, as though one is asking a question.

There are some languages and varieties of language where this is standard intonation (Norwegian, for instance, has a pronounced high rising terminal), but, in English, the habit is not universal and highly marked.

I know some people who, having developed the habit, have been seeking to eliminate it. One does not necessarily realise the impact it is having on listeners until a particular person who has being doing it stops.

The effect is this: the person goes from appearing to elicit agreement, approval, validation, recognition, identification (similar to the use of 'you know what I mean?', 'you know?', or, particularly with Americans in certain regions and social groups, 'right?') to appearing to be self-contained, needing no input for the purposes of their narrative, and confident in what they are saying.

I also noticed the effect in myself: I can listen more easily when I'm not being constantly encouraged by the other person, through their intonation, to approve and agree of what is being said: I have time and space to take in what is being said and to consider it in my own time, rather than being forced (internally or actually) to assent before the speaker moves on.

This mirrors the manipulation I have practised in the past in my continual seeking for agreement for my positions, approval of my ideas or performance, or even approval of me. That apparent insecurity was giving rise to an attempt to control the reactions of the people around me, to their annoyance. This, I would propose, might explain the annoyance many people feel when an interlocutor or speaker uses the high rising terminal. Rather than being allowed to simply listen, one is constantly pestered to respond to or approve of the speaker. Sometimes one notices one's own reaction being verbalised mentally, for instance, as when someone says, 'Right?', as if assuming one will necessarily recognise and approve the point, one wishes to say, 'No, not right, actually, but do carry on.'

Perhaps more desirable is the ability to speak openly and even at times controversially (although to good purpose) without being concerned with what others think or whether they agree. This gives an impression of greater confidence and allows the listener the space to actually listen. A perfect example of the Al-Anon slogan 'Let It Begin With Me' and the principles of staying inside one's hula hoop, detaching from others and their reactions, relying on God not others, and taking responsibility for oneself generally rather than outsourcing that responsibility.