“Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration. Argument and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague.” (Chapter 7, Big Book)
“We avoid retaliation or argument.” (Chapter 5, Big Book)
I used to think I needed to stand up for myself more in my relationships in the world. That would have meant fighting back, arguing, remonstrating, and directing other people to act differently. I have learned in AA that none of these things change people’s personality. It turns out they are the way they are not because of my failure to fight, argue, remonstrate, or direct. The reason they are behaving the way they are is also not because of my failure to fight, argue, remonstrate, or direct. In fact, the opposite is often true: their behaviour towards me is often a defence against my belligerence, querulousness, peevishness, and imperiousness.
Even where I’m simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I happen to be present for someone else’s disagreeable behaviour, fighting, arguing, remonstrating, or directing tends to antagonise, escalate, and generate conflict. Someone who is behaving irrationally is rarely amenable to reason. I’m also letting the other person know precisely what to do to wind me up. I’m giving them the map of my sensitive facilities, ready for their next bombing raid. I’m setting myself up for problems down the line.
It is impossible to legislate for all situations, but I am struggling to think of a situation where ‘fighting back’ was warranted and worked. I can think of many situations where ‘fighting back’ was not warranted and, when attempted, made things worse. On the few occasions where ‘a boundary was set’, and I felt very proud of myself, the other person’s behaviour reverted to form the next time round the merry-go-round, and the apparent victory of the boundary-setting was hollow. I can also think of instances where my boundary-setting, remonstration, or expression of ‘hurt feelings’ actually caused long-term harm, through a domestic warfare of attrition, as I gradually wore people down. As C. S. Lewis puts it: “the unconstitutional (and often unconscious) tyranny of the most selfish member [of the home.]”
Requests and negotiations are possible with reasonable and mature people, but I’m sparing even with those. I’ve found it more useful to simply attempt to rub along with the people in my life the way they are.
It turns out the above two injunctions from the Big Book are the only sensible way forward in my relations with others.
What’s your experience?