Sometimes people in recovery are frightened of becoming doormats. Here's a guide to when and were I do and do not 'stand up for myself'.
Actually, legitimately, standing up for myself:
- Correcting errors of fact in a sober, discreet way, at an appropriate time
- Claiming due performance of contract when a contract is substantially breached
- Saying no to unreasonable requests
- Saying no to reasonable requests when there are more pressing claims on one’s time
- Halting unconstructive interactions
- Pausing or terminating unconstructive relationships
There are many ways I have thought I was legitimately putting myself first, defending my rights, settling scores, setting the record straight, expressing my feelings, finding my voice, being true to myself, being 'honest' or 'authentic', being 'congruent with my feelings', essentially 'standing up for myself', but where I was going way beyond the accepted rules of etiquette, asserting myself unreasonably, making a nuisance of myself, confounding the common good, upsetting other people to no good end, or neglecting important duties. Some of these I did; others I seriously considered doing:
- Bullying a group with tortuous arguments, attrition, or veiled threats to make a change that only a minority want
- Bringing a group-level grievance to Intergroup
- Bringing an AA grievance to GSO or Conference
- Hitting back
- ‘Hitting back first’
- Being pernickety, awkward, and uncooperative
- Manipulating with
- Extravagant shows of emotion
- Explanations of how someone’s behaviour 'makes me feel’
- Nagging
- Unnecessary reminding
- Avoiding legitimate responsibilities
- Leaving everyone else to do the work
- Being a jobsworth
- Complaining, grumbling, and nit-picking
- Playing the victim or the aggrieved party
- Agitating for, organising, or conducting witch-hunts or autos-da-fé
- Not taking ‘no’ for an answer
- Writing vexatious complaint letters and making belligerent complaint phone calls
- Pulling rank or otherwise exploiting a position of relative power to get my way
- Appealing and appealing until I reach the highest instance available
- Considering vexatious or punitive administrative or legal actions ‘to teach them a lesson’, ‘to vindicate myself’, ‘for the sake of justice’, etc.
'Being a doormat' (it's a poor image, but let's go with it) essentially means doing what someone else insists even when it's wrong, because my objective is not to do what is right but to curry favour, secure advantages or preferential treatment, or avoid having to learn how to respond to someone's response to the word 'no':
- Doing what others want when it is not God’s will
- Doing what others want when there are more important duties
- Remaining in protracted interactions with obnoxious or time-wasting people
- Remaining in relationships with the aggressive or unreasonable
There are certain behaviours that are often characterised as 'being a doormat' but are either ordinary manifestations of good etiquette, courtesy, wisdom, maturity, and plain common sense. Essentially: any form of non-engagement with difficult people on the basis that engagement will not, in any case, successfully further a valid interest. Examples:
- Keeping my mouth shut when I have nothing constructive to add
- Ignoring people who are unpleasant
- Refraining from or avoiding open conflict or argument
- Refusing to take up the gauntlet
- Keeping my temper
- Remaining useful, helpful, and kind whatever others do