Over thirty-one years ago, I said to Brian, "I don't why I drank again. I was doing so well with the programme."
He said: "You were doing very well, except for the not-drinking part."
Frequently, since then, I've wondered why I was apparently 'slipping' on 'old' behaviours (really current behaviours: if they were really old, there would not be a problem), particularly because I was 'doing so well with the programme'.
I'll tell you why: I was doing very well, except for the changing part.
The Steps won't force me to change. They'll help me change, and cushion the blow. But they won't change me against my will. I have to want to change. No. Scratch that. I have to want to change and be willing to change. Which usually means being willing to go through the pain of keeping my big fat mouth shut and refusing to let certain narratives occupy my mind for more than a nanosecond. 'Who will I be if I let go of all of that?' No one. Nothing. Exactly. That's the whole point of this. Who I appear to be has to go.
How it works is this: I recognise there's a problem and specify it (that's Steps One through Seven). There might be amends, and there will certainly be alternative ways of living in Steps Ten through Twelve that serve as an adequate substitute and distraction whilst I'm withdrawing and running new habits into a groove. But Steps Ten through Twelve (and God) will not force me to stop acting out or start acting well. I have to do that, through gritted teeth. I literally have to pretend to be a different person. God gives me sufficient strength to bear the pain of change but will not change me for me. I have to put my best foot forward. Then I discover that the person I am pretending to be is who I really am.
Here are some things that do not stop unless I stop them, one damn minute at a time:
- Arguing
- Complaining
- Worrying
- Resenting
- Fantasising
- Acting out with food
- Acting out with sex
- Unnecessary criticism
- Manipulation
- Overspending
- Acting on impulse
Here are some things that do not start unless I start them, one damn minute at a time:
- Working (work first, fun later)
- Recording what I spend and keeping within my budget
- Eating properly
- Exercising reasonably
- Fulfilling obligations
- Offering to help in any situation I find myself in
- Positioning myself to help those who are new or in trouble
- Sharing at meetings
- Going for fellowship
- Sponsoring others (whether the relationship is formalised or not)
- Doing service
I'm sure most people could continue these lists.
Everything starts with the desire not to 'be my authentic self' but to be rid of the 'personality' and lifestyle the real me has been hiding behind.
They weren't kidding when they talked about a psychic change.