Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. (Chapter 5)
The aim is to get rid of selfishness, not to shrink or contain it.
What are selfishness and self-centredness? Selfishness: illegitimately putting my interests above those of others. Self-centeredness: centring my life on my desires, ambitions, security, income, assets, self-image, reputation, persona.
Much of modern discourse legitimises and glorifies these. It suggests we should have an identity: work out what picture we want to hold of ourselves, then ensure that others hold this view; we should have a five-year plan, have ambitions, have dreams so we can have dreams come true; we should be honest and authentic, which almost invariably means expressing our negative emotions and explaining to others what they are doing wrong and how they need to behave differently; we should get our needs met; we should spend a lot of money on our appearance and clothes; we should go to other places or we will miss out; we should acquire assets; we should live in large houses; we should work out what we want and then vote for a political party that aligns with what we want; we should get angry when we see something we do not like and insist that our demands are met, with marches, posters, boycotts, along with vilification, exclusion, expungement, and other forms of bullying; we should seek promotion at work, which represents an advance on our current position. We should want and get, and, if we do not get, become cross.
All of this is selfishness and self-centredness.
Another train of discourse, outside but in particular within AA, denies morality. People get upset about the use of the word. The only immorality, apparently, lies in the suggestion there is such a thing as morality. We're not bad people becoming good; we're sick people becoming well. The only morality in AA is what works vs what does not work. It's a selfish programme and selfishness is good. They're not character defects: they're defence mechanisms that used to serve us but no longer serve us.
[Note with this last point that the language is not accidental: we are to be served; we are the king, the emperor, and we demand service; we are the centre, the subject and object, not the instrument. Note also the implication that, because we needed to be defended, there were attackers: 'others are attackers, nasty pieces of work, whereas, when we were nasty, we weren't really nasty, we were just sick, we were legitimately defending ourselves against wrongful attack with legitimate defence mechanisms. They're bad; we're not.' There's some truth to the sickness model, but it absolutely does not preclude morality, and it also rubs both ways.]
Even Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions falls into this error:
Yet these instincts, so necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions. ... Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct. When that happens, our great natural assets, the instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities.
In other words: selfishness is good; self-centeredness is good; desire, ambition, possessiveness, control, anxiety, and all the rest are fine and dandy; we've just got too much of them.
The Big Book makes things clear. These are intrinsically bad things of which we are to be rid.
Ken Wapnick, of ACIM fame, agrees:
Any time there’s any element of expectation, or disappointment or displeasure, or whatever, then you know that the ego has crept in.
(Special Relationships)
Anytime ... whatever ... then ...
A heuristic. Simple. Clear. No exceptions.
When I trust God I do not need to consult my own desire. I ask God what to do, discern it, do it, and the right things come. He knows what is good for me. I do not need to know. I do not need to look after myself by setting myself the objective of looking after myself and building fences to protect that self. I ask God what to do, and, if I do those things, I am looked after.
It is natural for weeds to exist and to return to a garden. But a well-kept garden is free of weeds. Remove all of them. Do not try to pretend some are not weeds. Or that weeds are OK. Or that weeds are flowers or vegetables that are no longer flower-like or vegetable-like and so have mysteriously become weeds. Do not keep some back on the basis that, for a garden to be a garden, it must have at least some weeds, or it's not being authentic. Get rid of all of them. You'll never succeed, but that's the aim. Then what you have is garden, garden, and garden, as far as the eyes can see.