Discerning restraint; not every act of love is codependency. When to speak?
This reads cryptically, a little like a haiku (but with just a few too many syllables).
I might be wrong but this appears to concern the question of when to approach and when to leave alone, when to take care of the other person and when to leave them to take care of themselves.
I think it's a good question. The Al-Anon 'Four Ms' help: one avoids management, manipulation, mothering, and martyrdom. One also applies the principles of detachment: not doing for someone else what they can do for themselves, not cleaning up their messes, not taking overall responsibility for them.
There are times when people are stronger and times when they are weaker. Any system must be flexible enough to adapt to how someone is doing on a particular day. AA works because we're not all mad on the same day, and relationships work because both people don't have to be strong on the same day.
Ultimately, prayer in the moment for the right thought or action, divorced from self and having the good of all uppermost in one's mind, is the answer.