How do we go from frequent criticism to none? Lately it's felt like criticism is a daily occurrence in my relationship, and, while I want to be better for my partner, I also feel this is wrong. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish that feeling from insecurity, though.
This question is a little confused but the basic gist is clear: the topic is criticism in relationships.
From the Just For Today card:
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
From the Big Book:
The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism.
A man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect. Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.
If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.
Argument and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague. In many homes this is a difficult thing to do, but it must be done if any results are to be expected. If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man’s family is sure to be great. The most incompatible people discover they have a basis upon which they can meet. Little by little the family may see their own defects and admit them. These can then be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness.
Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.
Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.
Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the watchwords. Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.
The advice is clear: don't criticise.
This goes both ways.
How can change take place without criticism?
Just like in AA, constructive and concrete proposals can be made. Concept V provides for a right of appeal (minority report or personal grievance) to be used only exceptionally sparingly and vanishingly rarely. The usual method is by group conscience, proposal, discussion, vote, and substantial unanimity, all in a good-natured way.
One method of doing this is to make an occasional polite request for what might be helpful 'next time' or in the future more generally rather than criticising a past act. Most of the time even this is not necessary, because sensible, loving, and adaptive people watch out for their impact on others and self-correct.
Unfortunately, if one is with a complainer, critic, or grumbler, I don't know what the solution is. I know of no mechanism that makes such a person agreeable. The best one can do is not react and hope they come to their senses over time.