Self-centered is sometimes really obvious: taking more than one's fair share of the birthday cake, or insisting that the gang go to the film I want to see. Sometimes it comes in less obvious forms. Here are some that I have been egregiously guilty of over the years:
- Reacting with panic or a sinking feeling to news headlines without even reading the article.
- Feeling gloomy, depressed, or anxious and automatically assuming this is a reflection of reality.
- When encountering something I consider disagreeable, muttering ‘typical’ to myself.
- Finding all sorts of objections to television programmes, other media offerings, tweets, statements by public figures, etc., because I have found something that does not accord with my values, views, and supposed virtues.
- Sifting television programmes, other media offerings, tweets, statements by public figures not for their actual content but for opportunities to find fault and attack.
- Turning on the radio or television or ‘going online’ in order to find things I disagree with or find horrifying and with the hope of starting or engaging in an argument.
- ‘Calling things out’ [i.e. condemning] when it’s not my duty.
- Believing that ‘calling things out’ is always my duty.
- Believing that showing patience, tolerance, kindness, and love in the face of what I find disagreeable is being a doormat, being walked all over, and ‘letting’ others ‘misbehave’, that they will never understand their error unless I explain it to them.
- Believing that, unless I am activated as the universe’s chief instrument of justice, things will just go from bad to worse, and the miscreants, offenders, wrongdoers, and cads will simply run amok, unchecked by my diligent policing.
- Believing that everyone else needs to change, but I’m just fine as I am, thank you very much.
- As a consumer of media content, believing I have a stake and an actual right to suggest or dictate what the producers should or should not be producing, how the plot should proceed, how the characters should be formed, portrayed, or developed, or what values, views, and supposed virtues of mine should be taught to the world through the prism of the content.
- Getting angry because plotlines and characters do not develop as I wish, or adaptations do not reflect my view of what the original author intended.
- Being unable to receive content communicated in other ages, at other times, in other places, or by other groups without filtering it through the sieve of my own values, views, and supposed virtues.
- Seeing people in other ages, at other times, in other places, or in other groups as backward, ignorant, wrong-headed, malicious, or dangerous.
- Seeing progress as an unalloyed good, with ‘progress’ happening to align with my own values, views, and supposed virtues, and ‘history being on my side’.
- Feeling unsafe in the face of disagreement or challenge to my own values, views, and supposed virtues.
- Requiring others to shut up or go away if I do not like what they say.
- Believing others’ differing values, views, and virtues to be a personal attack on me.
- Mistaking others’ disagreement for hatred, oppression, or vendetta.
- Expressing or signalling my values, views, and supposed virtues when no one has asked for them.
- Repeating them, with increasing shrillness, when no one takes any notice.
- Explaining them when no one has asked for an explanation.
- Feeling stifled, shut down, or as though I ‘do not have a voice’ unless constantly expressing myself and what I believe, think, and feel.
- Feeling put out, bullied, ostracised, disregarded, overlooked, ignored, ‘not heard’, or ‘not seen’ when the majority or even one other person believes, thinks, or feels differently than me and has the temerity to say so.
- Being a bad loser when a vote does not go my way, and thinking or saying, ‘This does not end here.’
- Being on the look-out for opportunities to appeal to ‘authorities’ when I do not immediately get my own way.
- Escalating in the face of setback or defeat.
- Avoiding settings with people who believe, think, feel, and act differently than me.
- ‘Them and us’-thinking, with the ‘us’ being a small, ever-shifting coterie and the them being everyone else: wrong, stupid, or immoral.
- Becoming excited at the prospect of rallying to a particularly emotive cause, particularly if there is an ‘enemy’ that can be vilified.
- An instinctive identification with the apparent victim in any scenario before acquainting myself with and assessing all the contributory factors to the situation.
- Being bored by peace, banality, and mundanity.
- Being excited by threat and conflict.
- Being thrilled and finding purpose at the prospect of rescuing those I believe cannot help themselves.
- An instinctive dislike of and hostility and suspicion towards authority and being quick to champion causes where the ‘enemy’ is some form of power structure, institution, establishment, or historically powerful force.
- Broadcasting my views with temporary frames or overlays on social media, garb, badges, lapel pins, provocative publications legibly sticking out of my bag or pocket, or other public mechanisms.
- Being attracted to fashionable causes.
- Being attracted to unfashionable causes merely to create a profile for myself.
- When reading or listening, being more aware of my own reactions than what is actually being communicated.
- When being asked to discuss a text, other content, a discourse, or an issue, talking about myself and how I feel about it, particularly what I object to.
- Unconstructive criticising and complaining.
- Arguing by riposte, sarcasm, one-liner, ad hominem attack, slur, diversionary tactic, or rhetorical question.
- Being triggered.
- Being offended.
- Running mental narratives about how other people are wrong, stupid, or immoral.
- Mentally arguing with those I consider wrong, stupid, or immoral.
- Actually arguing with those I consider wrong, stupid, or immoral.
- Feeling oppressed, put upon, or ill-used when asked to do something, especially if menial, fiddly, time-consuming, unchallenging, repetitive, inefficient, or dull.
- Not wanting to do something for someone unless I understand why and approve of the reasoning.
What is the antidote?
Patience, tolerance, kindness, and love.