The alcoholics become steeped in alcohol.
As an Al-Anon, I become steeped in alcoholics.
I've learned to stop thinking about them, to stop talking about them, to stop fussing, fretting, cajoling, nudging, admonishing, patronising, negotiating, to stop obsessing, just to stop stop stop ...
And instead focus on the rest of the universe.
It was such a shock to discover that the universe was a very big place, and that alcoholic was only a really really tiny part of it.
It was even more of a shock to discover that my preoccupation
with the alcoholic was of the same order of insanity as the alcoholic's
preoccupation with alcohol.When alcoholics are on a slip, they're drinking.
When I'm on a slip, I'm thinking and talking ... ABOUT THEM
(or about how they affect me).
Sure, decisions might need to be made, and occasionally emergency boundaries need to be set (grab the car keys and get on that interstate, Sally), but my job in Al-Anon was put my own house in order first.
I couldn't do that when I was stewed and stocious as a raddled old drunk, on them and on my own self-pity and worryworryworry.
Alcoholics need to start their recovery with abstinence.
As an Al-Anon, I needed to start my recovery with abstinence ... FROM THEM. Not necessarily physical separation, but mental separation (the short form of detachment is think about something else, Canada, macramé, what to have for dinner, Labrador puppies, the War of the Spanish Succession, really anything) and practical non-involvement (zero interference and not doing for them what they should do for themselves, which, aside from rubbing sun cream on the small of their back, is literally everything).
Then, once I've detoxed, I can start on me.
That's where the real work is.