Mothering is smothering.
Part of Al-Anonism, I've learned, is treating others like one's (spoiled) children or wards. If they have a negative emotion, I feel compelled to take it away. If they have a difficulty, I feel compelled to fix it. If they are upset, I feel compelled to comfort them.
What's more, even when the person is not having a negative emotion, is not having a difficulty, and is not upset, the above desire and actions kick in anyway: to take away others' experience, to fix the situation, to be a blanket of comfort.
The perfect example of this is the Facebook Care emoji. For a reminder (and I hope this isn't too triggering), here it is:
One definition of what it is for:
The Care emoji is meant to be a virtual hug to show support or compassion. Use the Care reaction when someone is anxious, having a bad day, or grieving.
For me, part of learning boundaries in Al-Anon has been firstly identifying whether someone needs an active demonstration of support, compassion, etc., and secondly identifying whether they want support, compassion, etc. from me.
In particular, 'going in for the hug' is an aggressive form of the Al-Anon fixing slip: not everyone wants to be hugged, whether physically or virtually. It's just as intrusive to do this virtually as physically. One has to learn to read rather than override others' signals, and not to offer virtually what one would not do in person. If I don't kiss them or hug them in real life, I don't send kisses or hugs in a message or a social media reaction or response. I don't kiss or hug strangers. Similarly with praying hands: I don't worship human beings in the flesh, so I don't send praying hands in messages, reactions, or responses.
Instead, in Al-Anon, I've learned to let people identify whether they need particular demonstrations of love and support and then to ask for that from the person they choose. I can be available to demonstrate love and support, where it's appropriate, but I'm not the arbiter of other people's needs and how to get them met.
What's more, when I'm suffering, I'm seeing things wrong. Love, support, compassion, and 'caring' don't fix that. Demolition of false perceptions and interpretations and rebuilding of correct perceptions and interpretations are what is required. Obviously, this needs to be done with the requisite respect, but it's not cloying sympathy that is the order of the day: it's disinterested and intelligent engagement.
Moreover, the relief afforded by sympathy can actually obstruct the process by dulling the pain and therefore the motivation to do something about the cause. There is so much comfort on offer in the twelve-step recovery world that it's tempting simply to lurch from hug to hug for decades without ever getting down to the nitty gritty of addressing why one is so emotionally fragile that constant reassurance is required to get through the day or stay away from a drink.
Going back to the Al-Anon's point of view, learning this discernment not only frees up a whole load of my time, but it allows others the dignity of making their own decisions and taking responsibility for their own lives.