Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. (Big Book)
Wouldn’t I feel pretty cheap if I could hear myself being played back? Wouldn’t it give me some idea of my part in the family troubles? (ODAT, September 11)
When I am in my wrong mind, my narrative about a situation is always: I'm fine, I've done nothing wrong, I did the right thing, my intentions were great, but as for so-and-so, these are all the things wrong with them: toxic, narcissistic, 'sick', 'unwell', 'in the addiction', 'acting out', plus all of the other slurs. And poor me having to deal with all of the consequences!
Every time I've unpicked the situation, I've discovered my own contribution. Sometimes, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. That's true of their alcoholism. With particular situations and reactions, sometimes I actually did cause it, though, and it's up to me to change if the situation is going to change. Even if I didn't cause it, sometimes I elicited it: the destination was printed clearly on the ticket, and any casual observer would have anticipated how my 'innocent' action would boomerang back on me in the form of the other person's reaction.
This repeated experience over thirty years in recovery has led me to listen carefully to any narrative presented to me by someone else: if it essentially says, 'I'm fine; the problem lies outside of me,' the narrative is only half the truth ... or worse. I've also learned to leave well alone when this is the narrative: the bearers of such tales rarely welcome challenge, and sometimes even say, in their opening offer, that they're specifically looking to be reinforced in their views, by looking for 'kind words', 'support', etc.
All I can do in such situations is share my experience, if they ask for it. But often I just listen.