The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?” (Big Book)
I had never admitted to myself that I was wrong or at fault in anything that happened. It was something of a shock to learn that I am expected, as part of the Al‑Anon program, to search out my own shortcomings. I must be honest with and about myself in order to start on the highroad to serenity. Will I be able to meet this challenge? “Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it is impossible for anyone to accomplish. But whatever is possible for another, believe that you, too, are capable of it.” (Marcus Aurelius) (One Day At A Time In Al-Anon)
In any situation with other alcoholics (or even just regular
folks): it is true that, with regard to their alcoholism or their character
defects, I did not cause them, I cannot control them, and I cannot cure them.
But I can certainly elicit their florid appearance and, over time, be one of the
factors that influence their development for good or for ill. I’m not an
island.
The narrative that I was the sad victim of those wicked
alcoholics (or those wicked people) had to go, firstly because it did not help
and secondly because it was not accurate. I had to learn to stop talking about
them.
To take responsibility is not victim-blaming. My
responsibility for my contribution to a situation does not detract from someone
else’s contribution. It does not water down their culpability. Even if the
situation arises due to a great fault on their part and a small fault on my
part, if my part is a sine qua non, I can attribute my suffering to myself. I
once experienced a significant theft because I was careless. The theft was the
thief’s; the carelessness was mine. Now that particular carelessness has been
cleared up on my part: no more theft. There are still thieves, but I do not enable
such theft to take place. Practically speaking, I was entirely responsible for
that situation arising; without my fault, the theft could not have occurred.
If my woes are others’ fault, there is no hope. If my woes
are mine, there is hope. Most (but not all) of my circumstances are essentially
down to me. But all of my experience of those circumstances is down to me.