"the alcoholic is basically a good and sensitive human being" (One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, January 24)
One trap I've fallen into in Al-Anon is demonising the alcoholic. It starts with replacing the person and their name with 'the alcoholic', 'my alcoholic X', 'my qualifier', 'my motivator'. In doing so, I'm reducing them either to the condition of alcoholism, to my possession, or to their role in my recovery. I've literally eliminated them as a person from my consciousness and replaced them with a totem, a scarecrow, a blight, a horror.
In the past, I've then pasted terms from psychology onto them or their behaviour: 'narcissist', 'toxic', 'gaslighting', 'borderline personality', 'antisocial personality', etc.
This took me backwards, not forwards.
Instead, I've had to learn through the Steps that I'm responsible for any suffering I generate in my own consciousness in reaction to others' behaviour; they are accountable practically for their decisions and actions, but they are to be viewed by me as powerless not guilty; my role is to forgive by withdrawing the moralising or pathologising judgement and to see the human being behind the behaviour; if I need to act differently in response to their behaviour, I can do so elegantly and without causing further harm; my role is to love, not condemn or diagnose.