Fellowship after the meeting, at a local café or restaurant, is where relationships are really formed and the bond to AA is really established.
Just because one has been 'hanging out' with people one's whole life does not mean one knows how to 'do' fellowship effectively. I didn't. So here is what I have learned.
1. When I go to sit down, I don't dither. People will see me calculating, and then whoever I don't sit next to is being snubbed. I just sit down promptly next to someone. Even if there is a micro-tactical decision, for purposes of personal preference or anticipated maximum usefulness, I don't let it show.
2. I never sit leaving a gap or I'm insulting the person on the other side of the gap. We're all in it together in the lifeboat. I sit down and start rowing.
3. If there is anyone within conversational distance I don't know, I introduce myself.
4. When people ask how my day or week was, I am prepared to answer substantively, or at least in a way that allows a conversation to develop. I don't have to bare my soul completely, but I have something oven-ready. I don't say, 'Fine thanks. How are you?', as that tells the other person that there's no conversation to be had here and gives them all the work to do. If I don't want to be put on the spot, I ask first.
5. I don't just complain. If I've had a rough week, fine, I say so, but I say what I've done about it. If I have not done anything about it, I say what I'm planning to do about it, based on what I've concluded at or learned from the meeting I've just been to. I seek to be cheerful and bring a constructive spirit to any topic.
6. I am prepared to contribute amply to the conversation. I don't just sit there like a pudding waiting for other people to entertain me, edify me, or fill the silence. I pull my own weight. I listen carefully and ask further questions to invite people to amplify or open up.
7. If other people are sitting there like puddings and there are awkward silences, I give it a bit to see if anyone wants to take the lead, but, if they do not, I make an extra effort, and find questions to ask people, to get the conversation going and bring everyone into the fold.
8. If someone who was turned the other way turns to listen in to the conversation I'm engaged in, I pause briefly in order to bring them, in one sentence, up to speed. This includes them and allows them to be part of the conversation without seeming like an eavesdropper and licenses them to start contributing.
9. It's OK to have a quite personal conversation with someone, but only if no one in the vicinity is being left out. If anyone is left out, I drop the topic and find something all of us can talk about.
10. If someone is an outsider to the group, I either avoid inside topics or give them a rundown or background to enable them to participate.
11. I avoid politics or other contentious issues.
12. I avoid any topic or styles requiring specific knowledge not everyone at the table has. If gaps need to be filled in, I fill them in.
13. If someone has been completely silent, I find a way to bring them into the conversation, as well.
14. If they're new, they get extra attention. If they're visiting, likewise.
15. I don't start a conversation across another conversation.
16. I don't start a conversation with someone who is listening attentively to someone else. Just because I'm bored does not mean anyone else is. It means I'm boring and selfish and I try to listen more actively.
17. I make sure I've conversed, even if just briefly, at least to the person opposite, the people on my left and right, and the people at diagonal angles to the left and right.
The above can be boiled down to:
- Include everyone
- Exclude no-one
- Be constructive and cheerful
- Play a full role
- Be prepared to take up the slack if others do not