When I joined recovery, I took one step forward. I applied
the Steps and my life got better.
I still had ‘problems’ with my family, though, and felt
disinclined to spend time with them. When I spent time with them, I felt
depressed.
I therefore did some ‘deeper’ work. I bought some books on
co-dependency and the inner child. I learned an awful lot about how the
childhood I had experienced had conditioned my neurosis and maladaptive
behaviour. I learned so much I could not spend any time whatsoever with people
in my family, because it was too painful. Regrettably, there were a couple of
occasions when I actually confronted family members or ‘set boundaries’ (i.e. I
attacked them). I was also in a worse general condition myself. Self-absorbed,
believing myself to be a victim, even a ‘survivor’, and, as the corollary of my
victimhood, sitting in the iron throne of the victimiser. When the pointy end
of the sword is sticking in me, I’m implying that the handle of the sword is in
someone else’s hand.
This was the second step ‘forward’, but I needed to take one
step back before proceeding further, as this second step ‘forward’ was really a
step back. Rather than solving the problem, I had added a further layer of
problem to the problem, in the form of twisted thinking, defended with the
notion that my understanding was based on cutting-edge, modern research into
family psychology and even believing it was spiritual in nature (since the
books casually mentioned the twelve steps or spirituality as one way forward but
said nothing of substance about how these were supposed to solve the problem in
practice).
I stayed stuck in this impasse for years.
The second stage needed to be unwound completely before I
could really go further.
I took the steps again and learned about forgiveness and
love.
Love is not sentiment, although sentiments may arise on
occasion. They do not subsist in a steady state.
For practical purposes, love is:
- Benevolence: wishing people well
- Beneficence: acting in their behalf
- Charity: taking a kindly view of them.
This resolved my inner tensions and enabled me, for practical purposes, to forget the past and live in the present.