When a relationship ends, the language that is used is revealing.
Dumped
When a romantic relationship ends, people often say they are dumped. What types of thing is dumped? A physical possession that is no longer needed. What does this image of dumping therefore suggest?
- I'm a physical object
- I'm in a relationship of possession and ownership
- I belong to a person
- I have no agency
- That person no longer values, needs, and wants me
- I am to be expelled from my home
- I am to be left to rot by the roadside, incinerated, or buried
This is quite a distortion of the truth:
- I'm a person and so are they
- There is no possession
- There is no ownership
- I belong to no one
- No one belongs to me
- What we have is an alliance
- I retain full agency
- Whether or not relationship should continue is distinct from my value
- It is not me that is being rejected but the continuation of the relationship
- This involves the complex interplay of values, needs, and wants of two people
- I have not been left to rot, burn, etc.
- I now have new opportunities to use God's time well
Fired
When a sponsorship relationship ends, people often say they are fired. What is fired? Being released from employment. What does this image suggest?
- I (as the sponsee) am an employee
- I work not for my own end but for someone else
- I am in a contractual situation
- The sponsor contractually owes me something
- The sponsor gives me something in return for my stepwork or programme
- I'm bad at what I am doing
- I am not delivering what I am supposed to
- I have displeased them personally
- I am then released to go and work for someone else.
This is quite a distortion of the truth:
- As a sponsee, I am doing the programme for myself not for anyone else
- I am not giving anything to or doing anything for the sponsor
- The sponsor is not giving me anything in return for what I do
- They are offering guidance in order that I do what I can for myself.
Dumped and fired
Both situations imply ill treatment. Though there may be ill treatment, that ill treatment is distinct from the fact of ending the relationship.
In romantic relationships, a period of zero contact and zero interaction except for dealing with practicalities and formalities is often a very good idea.
In sponsorship relationships, which are not romantic relationships, no such zero contact is necessary. It's perfectly possible and very common to remain cordial in relations, continue to greet and mix in fellowship settings, go to the same groups, remain in the same recovery-related WhatsApp groups with scores of other people, etc.
Where the perception one has been fired is accompanied by all sorts of other severances of contact, the latter is a sign that something was being sought other than sponsorship, and, that other thing having been (rightly) 'denied' (or rather the impossibility of its attainment having become evident), the playbook of the scorned lover becomes activated, with its rage, retaliation, performance of disapproval, and other self-defeating behaviours.
When any relationship ends, it's wise to pause before reacting.