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I prefer clients’ briefs to be thoughtful and clear, because then I don’t have to go back and ask for clarification or further details
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I prefer using an airline with good customer service, because then problems can be resolved more effectively and efficiently
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I prefer watching comedies or fantasy to dramas or thrillers on Netflix (but I am happy to watch dramas or thrillers when in company)
But I’m not keeping one eye open, setting myself up for annoyance and disappointment when the preference is not confounded. There is no emotional component to a preference. What characterises a preference is complete emotional indifference and equanimity where the preference is frustrated. If I’m emotionally affected, it’s not a preference, it’s a demand in disguise.
Examples of what I certainly don’t have as preferences (because there is no good reason to have them satisfied):
- The acknowledgement, recognition, gratitude, thanks, approval, or praise of other people
- Wealth, success, status, position, etc. for their own sake
The point of preferences is about practical efficiency, effectiveness, and harmony, not about satisfaction of ego objectives or the allaying of ego symptoms (such as fear, resentment, inappropriate guilt, or shame).
A demand is any definition of an event, a situation, or an outcome I perceive as preferable and am emotionally attached to.
In short, preferences are navigational tools. They must never be allowed to acquire an emotional charge, or they’re just veiled demands. By contrast, demands are emotionally charged preferences, and the emotional charge usually results in their inappropriate pursuit.
Demands that have no practical merit must be deleted.
Demands with practical merit are demoted to being preferences, which means they’re stripped of the personalisation, of their emotional charge.