But still more fortunate is the newcomer to a group that does not allow such unburdening to continue, meeting after meeting. There is work to be done, new ideas to be learned, and for that the problems of yesterday and the fears for tomorrow must be put out of the way. (ODAT, March 21)
I laughed out loud at the thought of actually reading that out at the beginning of every Al-Anon meeting. Can you imagine?
Anyway:
I've been the complainer.
I've also been the person who tries to talk about the programme in meetings.
But I've also been something in between:
The person who continues to focus on, condemn, and demonise the alcoholic, looking down on them, 'calling out' their narcissism and 'behaviours', and presenting myself as the superior, righteous one, with my boundaries (really gloating defences and vindictive punishments), and just as entangled, and bolstered with ideas from outside Al-Anon / twelve-step recovery about 'co-dependency' and suchlike. There had been progress but the job was nowhere near complete.
Armed with such language, I was still as touchy, upset, affronted, and consumed with self, but now perfumed with the scents and spices of _modern ways of thinking_ to mask the smell. I got stuck there for a while, and it was very uncomfortable, because I thought that I had taken the solution as far as it could go.
What’s the solution?
I’ve found detachment very helpful. To me, this means rising above the fray, dropping the moralisation about them and even about myself, recognising that the stew of my negative reactions is the cause of my upset, and that my whole mindset needed recasting from scratch.
Then, the qualifier was converted back into being my friend.
The end-point, on a good day: neutral understanding, which enables me to be with others, whatever they say and do, and be OK myself.
Then, the qualifier was converted back into being my friend.
The end-point, on a good day: neutral understanding, which enables me to be with others, whatever they say and do, and be OK myself.