I certainly knew how to spin a tale, when I arrived in recovery. I could arouse sympathy very easily. I kept injustices towards me stored up in a little handy-to-reach pouch. What was kept far more hidden was (a) the fact I had often chosen the ‘victimisers’, (b) I often stayed with the ‘victimisers’ way after the first incident of ‘victimisation’, (c) I regularly elicited the ‘victimising actions’ and actively provoked them, (d) I contributed many of my own unpleasant behaviours to the relationship. Boy, did I give as good as I got. I was a professional victim. I do not use that term lightly. I used my victimhood as a means of extracting sympathy, companionship, company, allies, financial and material support, and other goods and services. It was my livelihood.
I remember my first Al-Anon mentor, Maureen, wasn’t having any of it. She didn’t give advice, per se, except regarding my own immoral, self-defeating, self-destructive, and inappropriate behaviour.
Al-Anon suggests I tend to my own defective beliefs, thinking patterns, and behaviour patterns.
I never take a story I hear at face value, particularly if the language is inflammatory. Recently I heard an exchange where someone said they had been harassed. Someone else said, ‘Those are conclusions. What’s the evidence? What was said and done?’ Once someone asked a person whether they knew of any Al-Anon sponsors who were ‘safe’, which presupposed that the previous ones were not. Turns out that the previous Al-Anon sponsors had not threatened the individual and were not remotely dangerous in any real sense but had suggested that the individual critically examine their own conduct, and the individual did not like this one bit. ‘Safe’ turned out to mean ‘co-signing’.
If someone’s opening gambit is their grievance at someone else’s misconduct, when I am in my right mind, I respond: I cannot judge another’s situation. To judge, we’d have to have a trial and hear equally from all participants in the situation. I’m not competent to hold a trial. What I can do is share experience, strength, and hope. That’s it.
I’ve also learned that even starting to investigate with the person to find out what the truth really is is a fraught business: as the person from whom help is sought, I’ve regularly found myself cast in the same role as the those from whom the individual is seeking succour. I tread very carefully, if at all, in such situations. It’s best to stick to ‘I’ statements and avoid discussing the matter directly.
‘Let it begin with me’.