I was at a meeting recently where some people said that they used alcohol to stuff down their feelings, others, to anaesthetise their feelings, and still others, to feel their feelings. The attendees at the meeting then went on to describe how, in recovery, they have learned to feel their feelings, to name them, to identify the body parts affected, and to express them with words, particularly telling other people if they are upset with them. Solutions were offered: if you feel something, tell them what you feel, and then you won't need to drink instead. You can also phone people up, interrupt their day, and tell them about your feelings about other people and situations.
Here's my experience:
- I might have thought I drank to do this or that with feelings, but the fact is I drank even when there was no such motivation.
- I also drank when I knew 100% that drinking would not achieve the emotional state I sought.
- I also drank when I didn't know why I was drinking.
- I don't believe the molecules of alcohol know whether, when faced with a particular 'feeling' (whatever that is in biological terms), to anaesthetise it, stuff it down, feel it, or, as I often experienced, potentiate it: the effect is far too complex to be reduced to one of these, and certainly far too complex to be used as the basis for a decision-making system.
- The whole presentation of motivations for drinking is symptomatic of having failed to take or failed to understand the Steps, Step One in particular. The First Step suggests that I drank not because I devised an intention, identified alcohol as a suitable way to achieve that intention, and then followed through. As the Big Book suggests, any apparent reason for drinking is an alibi, not a reason. These are merely post hoc rationalisations.
- I don't believe in the notion of stuffing feelings. I have met people who claimed to stuff their feelings. Their feelings, however, were visibly evident at 50 paces. I've occasionally met newcomers or AA members who seem eerily calm and passive, but it's usually the case they're drugged, 'legitimately' or otherwise. A little bit of provocation always brings out the 'stuffed feelings', however, so, even if they're stuffed, they're stuffed within arm's reach.
- I've never met anyone in recovery who, when faced with a negative feeling, is genuinely able to stuff the feeling or avoid feeling it. In fact, quite the reverse is true: much discourse in meetings and with sponsors is about the individual in question feeling something disagreeable and being quite unable to stop it. If you know how to stop a feeling, other than changing the underlying beliefs, thinking, and behaviour, send me a postcard. We'll mint it.
- I felt things before I came to AA, I felt things before I drank, I felt things when I drank, when I was drunk, and in between drinking. A deficit of feeling was certainly not the reason I drank alcoholically.
- I used to talk to people before I came to AA, before I drank, and during my drinking years. I would talk about my feelings, and my thoughts about my feelings, and I would write about the same, in diaries and journals, and to others, in florid correspondence and at eye-watering length. I did this with friends and professionals of various hues. In fact, people would go to great lengths to avoid situations where I might be inclined to talk about my feelings and thoughts. I don't think that my alcoholic drinking could be attributed to not expressing my feelings. In addition, talking about my feelings never produced significant or lasting relief. It merely puked them into someone else's consciousness, leaving them to deal with them as well. I hadn't halved a problem: I had doubled it, for myself and others. In fact, the more I talked about my feelings, the more I warped my perspective and cemented that warped perspective into place.
- My experience of alcoholics generally is that they have absolutely no trouble telling people how they feel. Many Step Nine amends stem from people telling people precisely how they feel when to do so is quite inappropriate. I was no different!
In short, feeling is not the problem, and feeling is not the solution. Feelings are mentioned within the AA programme, but they are peripheral artefacts at best.
The programme, rather, is about radically changing what I believe, think, and do; about admission of defeat, surrender, moral (not feelings) inventory, confession, amends, communication with God, and service.
Where do feelings come in? Someone asked Katie P if they could talk about their feelings. She said, she reports, 'You want to talk about your feelings? Your feelings come from a delusional mindset. Let's talk about delusion.'