Clancy, in several of his talks, said how, as a newcomer, he wanted to call up the central office of AA and tell them there was a sponsor going around killing newcomers through his dictator-like sponsorship.
He would go on to say: there is no such thing as dictatorship in sponsorship. If the sponsee, at any point, says, 'Well, f@&* you', the dictatorship is over. Some dictatorship!
Now, some sponsors hold their sponsees to account for the actions the sponsees undertook to take, whether specific features of the sponsorship relationship (e.g. calling every day at a certain time) or particular tasks of the programme (Step Four, Step Nine). But all the sponsor is doing is circling back and making sure the sponsee is following through on their own commitments.
Sponsors will also generally call out wrong beliefs, thinking, and behaviour. This is to benefit the sponsee. If a person is hurting themselves through wrong beliefs, thinking, and behaviour, not calling these out is to permit the sponsee to continue hurting themselves (and likely others).
Sponsors will also generally call out poor conduct in the sponsorship relationship: if the sponsee is contrary, argumentative, resistant, unwilling, elusive, or evasive, all of which represent backtracking on the willingness originally expressed, the sponsor is quite right to call these out.
None of this is going to be pleasant for the sponsee, but we're here to get the job done, and getting the job done involves taking responsibility, and taking responsibility is never pleasant.
Now, on top of that, some sponsors are super placid; others are fiery. Some are subtle; others are blunt. Some people don't like fiery or blunt.
Now, what is a person to do if they encounter a form of sponsorship they dislike?
Don't build a dossier of evidence and go around recruiting co-crusaders in a war to sully the sponsor's reputation and turn others against them.
What to do:
1. Figure out what type of sponsorship you want. If you want a sponsor who is going to call you to account and call you out on your shit, then that's what you're going to get. Get used to it.
2. If you want a sponsor who does not call you to account or call you out on your shit, that's fine, but you won't get the full benefit. If you don't like other people challenging you, you're unlikely to be willing or able to challenge yourself, and the risk is remaining in a self-constructed prison of unhelpful beliefs, thinking, and behaviour, walled in with layers of self-satisfaction and self-justification.
3. If you just want someone to listen and not comment and just be really, really nice, maybe get a therapist. I had therapists for years. They never once called me to account or pointed out character defects I would be wise to be rid of. I looked forward to the sessions. They were comforting. Sure, nothing really changed, but that's the price of Nice. There are forms of sponsorship like this, where the sponsor never says anything that might upset, challenge, or rattle the sponsee. That's Nice, but it's rarely effective.
4. If you don't want a tough sponsor, and your sponsor is tough, thank them for their time, and go and find someone to your taste.
5. If you do want a tough sponsor, you'll have to get over the fact they are tough.
6. If you don't like fiery or blunt, don't get a fiery or blunt sponsor. If you realise some way in that they are fiery or blunt, or you learn that, contrary to what you thought, you don't like fiery or blunt, get a new sponsor. But there's no point in berating the sponsor for their nature. The destination was almost invariably printed on the ticket. Any AA member who, when sharing, is crystal clear, energetic, and high-powered is likely to be fiery and blunt in their sponsorship technique.
7. If there have been arguments, escalations, etc., the sponsor may well have got all fired up about something, but it always takes two to tango, and the two adults in the scenario, the sponsor and the sponsee, both usually give as good as they get. If your sponsor is apparently exasperated, consider whether you've said or done anything exasperating. There's usually a lesson in there somewhere.
In any case, I learned very quickly I had to get over myself, overlook my juvenile hurt feelings and touchiness, and take criticism and challenge on the chin, both as a sponsee and a sponsor.
This is very good practice for life.
Lots of systems of the world require commitment to a course of action and following through on that action. If you don't, you won't get your benefits, be allowed on the flight, or secure whatever other good is the prize of the compliance.
Employers, clients, and other organisations will also not hold back on feedback. If you can't handle being called out, you'll struggle in employment, business, and public life generally.
Best to use sponsorship as a testbed.
To sum up: accept the deal on offer or go and find a new one.