Expectations and demands of others

Others are not there to do my bidding.

They're not my puppet.
They're not my servant.
They're not my stooge.
They're not my ward.

I have the right to be disappointed or the right to be angry, because I am an adult and may feel what I want to feel.

The real question is whether I want to be disappointed or angry.

Here's the kicker: If I'm disappointed or angry, it's because that's what I want to be. There's a payoff. What's the payoff? I'm right; they're wrong. I'm an innocent victim; they're a perpetrator. I'm the self-righteous martyred crusader for justice; they're the Dick Dastardly, the Darth Vader, the pencil-moustached villain, the mortal threat, the fly in the ointment, the skeleton in the cupboard, the bucket into which my own shame, guilt, and fear is temporarily poured.

Except the shame, guilt, and fear then sluice back to me (because I am them and they are me, so the shifting of the material to them is an illusion: it's me I'm shifting it to), and I have to find something else wrong, with them or with someone else, to repeat the procedure.

On a practical level, others simply have different priorities. I've often been surprised at how, when others do explain those priorities, I see things from their point of view, and I can see why they have prioritised one of their interests over one of mine. Why should my interests be prioritised over theirs? Pretty much everyone thinks that their own demands and expectations are reasonable, and others', unreasonable. It can't be that everyone is right.

If something is important to me, I can certainly convey it to others. Either they act in accordance with my expressed wishes, or they don't. If they don't, that's fine. Do I act in accordance with everyone else's expressed wishes? NO. Especially in the programme, I seek to do God's will, and that does not necessarily align with others' wishes. If something is mission-critical, there can be a boundary, such as deciding to back out of a situation or go and do something else.

What doesn't help is reminding, nagging, explaining, justifying, defending, expressing the wholesomeness of my intentions, cajoling, manipulating, reprimanding, punishing, or other attempts to force the situation.

Not only does that not work (the occasional time that it does work belies the many times it does not), but it damages the relationship. What's more, it ruins my day.

So, the best thing to do is express my view, leave them to it, and suck it up. If I'm persistently 'hard done by', my real question is why, out of a planet of several billion people, I chose to build my life with people whose conduct is not to my taste. The destination is always printed clearly on the ticket, and, if it's on my plate, I ordered it.