Our task in Steps Eight and Nine is to do a complete job. This means addressing not just the big-ticket items ... it means addressing all instances of harm, however apparently small.
I sit somewhere peaceful or go for a walk for one hour. I have a pen and piece of paper with me.
I ask God to show me any people in my life, present or past, with whom I have unfinished business (any sense of dis-ease). I run through my life area by area. I run through my life from now, proceeding backwards, or from the start, proceeding forwards.
What is unfinished business?
- A harm left unamended.
- An apology left unmade.
- Gratitude left unexpressed.
- An obligation left unfulfilled.
- A wrong (fancied or real) of theirs left unforgiven.
I write down the names.
Here are some other categories of harm that must be considered:
- Gossip and bad-mouthing
- Bullying, meanness, cruelty, callousness, indifference, ganging up
- Damage to property
- Theft and borrowing without returning (however small the item in question)
- Inappropriate or material financial gain
- Milking the system, whatever the system
- Mistreatment of animals
- Damage to the environment (I carbon-offset my life)
- Nuisance through drunkenness or other acting out
There is also the acknowledgement that one has been a burden, a drain, a strain, a distraction, and a worry to others, by virtue of one's illness (alcoholism, addiction, or other mental illness), in particular one's constant distress; as a friend puts it: being a 'sucking vortex of need'. This is not a standard harm: we did not do that on purpose; we weren't setting out to harm anyone; some (but not all) others volunteered to help and were happy to; but the effect should be acknowledged. Sometimes, what is owed is gratitude for the assistance. This pertains particularly outside Twelve-Step Fellowships; within them, unless the burden was unusual or the behaviour, egregious, it's par for the course and no particular conversation needs to be had.
When I've finished the meditation, I take the list of names and note down the appropriate action:
- Make an amend.
- Make an apology.
- Express gratitude.
- Fulfil an obligation.
- Forgive a wrong.
Then:
- I use the Steps Eight and Nine process to address the amends / apologies.
- I use the forgiveness process from Step Four for the forgiveness of wrongs.
- With the expression of gratitude / fulfilment of obligations: I get to it.
When I have completed these, I repeat the meditation.
When I get through the hour without any new names coming up, I'm done.