'We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.'
- I am unhappy not because of their behaviour.
- I am unhappy because I am trying to have my own way.
- They won't (necessarily) change.
- So I'll have to.
- If I'm remorseful, it's still me that has to change.
- I make the deliberate decision to drop 'my way'.
- I am determined to be indifferent to outcomes ...
- ... focusing only on my positive contribution ...
- ... and leaving the rest to God.
'It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.'
- Is this resentment improving anything in my life?
- Is this resentment causing unhappiness?
- I have been permitting resentment. Why? What's the kick? What's the payoff?
- What might I have done instead with the time and energy spent resenting?
- Has resentment brought me towards God and others?
- Or separated me from God and others?
- Do I want to stay sober forever? [Adjust accordingly per your fellowship]
- Do I want to become insane?
- Do I see I need to be rid of resentment to avoid insanity?
- Do I see that, if I start drinking, I might never stop? [Adjust accordingly per your fellowship]
'If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.'
- Do I see I need to be free of anger?
- ... of grumpiness?
- ... of turbulent, disordered thoughts?
- What do I get out of anger, grumpiness, and turbulent, disordered thoughts?
- Do I like drama? Do I like attention? Do I like others to be wrong? Do I like being right?
- Do I need to be angry to have a purpose?
- Do I need to be angry to feel alive?
- Am I willing to give up these kicks and payoffs?
'We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrongdoing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.'
- What does the world look like from the angle of the other people involved?
- What does the world look like from the angle of God?
- Do I want to be in charge of my emotions?
- Or do I want my emotions to be driven by others?
- Can I see that their behaviour could kill me if I'm driven by it?
'This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."'
- Others behaving badly are disconnected from God: just like me, on a bad day.
- Pray: 'God, show me the same tolerance, pity, and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.'
- Pray: 'This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.'
- Whilst praying, think about each word, each phrase, each clause, and the whole prayer.
- Work through it and see how it applies specifically to this situation and the people involved.
'We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.'
- I am strict with myself: No hitting back.
- ... no 'hitting back first' (pre-emptive strike).
- ... no argument (even in my mind).
- Reject any temptation to rehearse the case, replay or pre-play, or otherwise dwell.
- I do not have to answer every knock at the door.
- Instead:
- Pray: 'God, show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each one.'
Repeat as necessary.