Read:
- The Big Book up to page 44
- The preparatory readings from the blog
https://first164.blogspot.com/search/label/Step One (Al-Anon)
There are page numbers quoted below. The number after the colon (:) is the paragraph number. '21:1' therefore means page 21, first full paragraph (any run-on paragraph from the previous page is counted as part of the previous page). Sometimes the reference is to a particular story (e.g. 'Jim'), where the story might extend across up to four pages.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
This is Step One.
To understand Step One from the Al-Anon perspective, we need to understand Step One from the AA perspective first, which is why we're starting with the Big Book. We'll then get on to our powerlessness and unmanageability.
Physical craving
Key idea
Once an alcoholic starts drinking, they're (often, usually, or always) compelled to carry on and on, regardless of consequences. This is not because of circumstances or emotion; this is not because they're dumb or mad; it's because they're built that way. They might always have been like that, or maybe that's how they've become. In any case, that's how they are now. This means they cannot moderate, and they cannot drink safely. Once the alcoholic has had the first drink, they are powerless over how much they drink and what they do.
Relevant passage(s)
- Doctor's Opinion (in general)
- 21:1
- 21:2
- 22:4
- 31:3
- Man of thirty (32)
- 44:1
No such thing as a safe slip
Key idea
When someone relapses, they might never stop drinking, even if they've stopped drinking before. Even one relapse could be fatal, because it could lead to the alcoholic continuing to drink until they die. When an alcoholic relapses, they are powerless over the duration of the relapse. It could be a day, a month, a year, or forever.
Relevant passage(s)
Man of thirty (32)
Mental obsession
Key idea
The mental obsession is the persistently recurring, overpowering impulse to drink despite the consequences. Alcoholics, untreated, will experience this impulse, and sooner or later they will surrender to it. Then, the physical craving kicks in, and they won't be able to stop. The untreated alcoholic is powerless over whether they drink the first drink.
Relevant passage(s)
- 20:6
- 23–44 (in general)
- Man with the hammer (23)
- Certain American businessman (26)
- 24:1
- 24:2
- 24:3
- 30:1
- 34:2
- Jim (35)
- 37:3
- Jaywalker (37)
- Fred (39)
- 44:1
Unmanageability
Key idea
To manage one's life means to manage one's schedule and actions. If the alcoholic is powerless over the first drink and over subsequent drinks, they are not in charge of their schedule or their actions: the impulse to drink and the compulsion to continue drinking are in charge. The alcoholic is not managing their life; their alcoholism is: it's in charge, rather than them. Terrible consequences are a good sign of unmanageability, but some alcoholics have orderly lives and yet their lives are unmanageable, because they're not calling the shots; the mental obsession and the physical craving are calling the shots.
Relevant passage(s)
- 18:1
- 21:2
- Page 3 of Step One in 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions':
'Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step? It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. To the doubters we could say, "Perhaps you're not an alcoholic after all. Why don't you try some more controlled drinking, bearing in mind meanwhile what we have told you about alcoholism?" This attitude brought immediate and practical results. It was then discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, "Maybe those A.A.'s were right . . ." After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as truly as any of us.'
Progressive, fatal, incurable
Key idea
Alcoholism gets worse as the alcoholic gets older. The mental obsession and physical craving strengthen. Alcoholics tend to die decades early. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Only abstinence can arrest the process. Self-will fails to do the job. Only a spiritual awakening can keep the alcoholic away from the first drink permanently. Otherwise, the situation is hopeless.
Relevant passage(s)
- 24:4
- Certain American businessman (26)
- 30:3
- 31:2
- Man of thirty (32)
- 33:3
- 34:1
- 38:3
- 39:1
Necessity of a spiritual awakening
Key idea
The alcoholic's mind is fatally flawed: there's a part of the brain that seems hard-wired to want a drink. Unless the alcoholic has their will and life turned over to a Higher Power, they will drink again. That surrender to a Higher Power then enables the other underlying problems to be gradually sorted out. But it is the surrender that enables the alcoholic to remain sober, even if the impulse to drink arises.
Relevant passage(s)
- 25:3
- Certain American businessman (26)
- 38:3
- 39:1
- 42:2
- 42:3
- 43:2
- 43:3
- 44:1
Exercise 1: Their powerlessness over them
Take each key idea above, find a quotation from the book that helps you remember this, then write a couple of examples of where you have observed this in alcoholics you have known. Be specific and brief. You won't necessarily have examples for everything, but do your best.
Exercise 2: My powerlessness over them
I am powerless over the alcoholic's use of alcohol:
- I am powerless over whether or not they have the first drink
- I am powerless over how much they drink
- I am powerless over what they do when they're drunk
Motto: I did not cause it. I cannot control it. I cannot cure it. (3 'C's)
Write out a bunch of examples (anything from a couple to a dozen) of where you have tried to exercise power and failed, in these areas:
- Whether or not they have the first drink
- How much they drink
- What they do when they're drunk
Be specific and brief. Write enough examples to convince yourself.
These usually take the form of the 4 'M's: management, mothering, manipulation, martyrdom.
These failures to 'control' the alcohol show me that I am powerless over their drinking and its consequences.
Exercise 3: My unmanageability
If there is an out-of-control alcoholic in my life (out of their control, out of my control), things will happen that are out of my control.
Write a list of 20 bad things that you have experienced as a result of having an out-of-control alcoholic in your life.
My powerlessness over me
As an anon, I have really, really unhealthy beliefs, thinking, and behaviour, firstly in my relationships with alcoholics, and secondly in my life more generally.
These are 'hard-wired' into me, and they are activated automatically. I am powerless to change them on my own. When these get activated, I'm on autopilot. I'm not managing my life. They are.
In truth, I'm responsible for my beliefs, thoughts, actions, feelings, and welfare, whilst you're responsible for yours. (Obviously with children, the elderly, and the sick, and in other situations, there are some responsibilities for others, but much of what follows still applies.)
My messed-up patterns are all based on mistakes about responsibility:
When I do not take responsibility for myself
- I deny responsibility for my faults and my life
- I don't look after myself
When I do not let you take responsibility for you
- I make excuses for you and do not hold you to account
- I caretake you
When I make myself responsible for you
- I feel guilty about you
- I control you
When I make you responsible for me
- I blame my experience of life on you
- I try and get you to fix or rescue me
Practical examples
- Annie Wilkes-ing (preventing others from escaping, to keep the power)
- Apologism (making excuses for others' behaviour)
- Attacking (verbal criticism, condemnation, and blame)
- Blame-throwing (blaming others rather than accepting responsibility)
- Bulldozing (implementing plans regardless of others)
- Catastrophisation (exaggerating present or future woe)
- Cold-shouldering (silence, staring, going AWOL)
- Control (directing others overtly)
- Damselling (seeking rescue from a knight)
- Doormatting (putting up with unacceptable behaviour)
- Dramatisation (creating or fostering dramatic situations for attention)
- Fixing (attempting to eliminate others defective beliefs, thinking, and behaviour)
- Infantilising (inducing others to become dependent on us)
- Ingratiation (charm or compliance to curry favour)
- Manipulation (directing others covertly)
- Nursing (treating symptoms but not causes)
- Punishment (deliberately causing suffering)
- Rescuing (attempting to extract people from harmful patterns or situations)
- Retaliation (hitting back because of hurt feelings)
- Slovenliness (not looking after myself)
- Soiling (making a mess to secure sympathy or care)
- Snow Whiting (refusing to look at my own flaws and my own part)
Exercise 4
For each of the behaviour patterns (e.g. 'Attacking'), find a couple of examples of where you have done this, if relevant. Be specific and brief.
Wrap-up
Can I admit:
- They're powerless over alcohol and their lives are unmanageable?
- I'm powerless over alcohol (in them) and my life is unmanageable?
- I'm powerless over me and my life is unmanageable?
In other words:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.