Preparatory reading 1: Paul Martin's essays for The Grapevine
Preparatory reading 2: The Second Surrender
Introduction
Alcoholics in recovery for a while who have completed the Steps in the past sometimes hit a rough patch.
Sometimes the rough patch can be fixed with a 'semi-annual or annual housecleaning'.
This is fine if the house is basically fine and just needs cleaning.
Sometimes the house has a structural problem.
List 1: Evidence of structural problems: The Bedevilments
- We were having trouble with personal relationships
- We couldn’t control our emotional natures
- We were a prey to misery and depression
- We couldn’t make a living
- We had a feeling of uselessness
- We were full of fear
- We were unhappy
- We couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people
... —was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.
List 2: Evidence of structural problems: Let's Get Practical
- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of anxiety
- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of depression
- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of resentment or grievance
- Persistent, recurrent, or severe bouts of guilt, shame, or remorse
- Thoughts of death
- Thoughts of suicide
- Thoughts of relapse
- Feeling worthless
- Feeling trapped
- Feeling one is ‘going round in circles’
- Feeling that life is pointless or empty
- Writing off unhappiness as ‘part of life’
- Often, usually, or always waking up gloomy, frantic, or hopeless
- Saying ‘progress not perfection’ a lot
- Alternating between different modes of being (highs vs low, presence vs dissociation)
- Resignation
- Despair
- Cynicism
- Becoming increasing allergic to certain people, ideas, or situations
- Being ‘easily set off’ by external or internal factors
- Intrusive thoughts
- Repetitive narratives
- Emotional outbursts
- Erratic behaviour
- Missing work, home group meetings, sponsee sessions, or other scheduled activities
- Cancelling or rearranging appointments or commitments more than occasionally
- Not managing to ‘fit everything in’
- Unreliability
- Seeing oneself acting poorly but being unable to stop it in the moment
- ‘Out-of-body experiences’ (and not in a good way)
- Panic attacks
- Rage attacks or ‘seeing red’
- Serious or recurring altercations with others
- Others ‘setting boundaries’, withdrawing, or ghosting
- Imbalance between work, self-care, love, fun, and service
- Physical illness with a psychological component
- Physical illness brought or on exacerbated by lack of self-care
- Bad, erratic, or insufficient sleep
- A sense of separation from others
- Few outgoing telephone calls
- Few incoming telephone calls
- Unreturned phone calls
- Being alone a lot and being lonely
- Having lots of company but still being lonely
- Hanging out with 'lower companions'
- Avoiding 'higher companions'
- Longing for the past
- Longing for a different present or future
- Thinking, ‘When XYZ happens, I’ll be OK’
- Unnecessary planning, scheming, plotting, or fantasy
- Service life dwindling not growing
- Sponsoring of others dwindling not growing
- Erratic or irregular daily programme
- Rarely or never having a sense of the presence of God
- Having an abstract, complex, scientific, hollow, distant, feeble, or bloodless sense of God
- Actions that cause reputational harm to oneself or others
- Financial difficulties
- Addictive or compulsive behaviour
- Overeating, undereating, unintended weight gain, unintended weight loss
- Thrill-seeking
- Risk-taking
- Porn
- Inappropriate sexual exploits
- Gambling
- Others showing concern for one’s welfare
There may be certain external factors in the above, and everyone lapses into a few of these sometimes, but if more than a few of these are 'clustering' in one's life, there's a fundamental problem.
If reading this list is like opening a big box of chocolate-coated ouchies, you're in serious trouble.
List 3: Some relevant quotations from the Big Book
... and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. (Chapter Two)
Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory. (Chapter Four)
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. (Chapter Seven)
Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, “I don’t miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time.” As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. (Chapter 11)
The exercise
Go through each of the above lists and write out examples from your life that reflect these symptoms.
Read the list to five people in recovery with considerable time.
The punchline
If examination of the above lists reveals anything significant, structural work is necessary to stay sober and to thrive.
When?
Now.
The structural solution
Structural problems require a structural solution.
What's that?
Go through the Steps from scratch, with a completely open mind, being prepared to jettison any belief, idea, value, attitude, understanding, or narrative that is part of the current system.
For the bad to go, the good might have to change also.
Steps Three and Seven involve surrender of everything, the good and the bad, our wills and our lives, to God. The whole thing. Not just the bits that don't work.
The goods bits are what are keeping us tied to the bad bits. The bad bits are the dark underbelly of the good bits.
Let's use this exercise, which we will call, 'Am I done?', to list and label our current problems and to recognise that these flow from fundamental problems that require a fundamental solution.
Here's a prayer:
'God: help me to drop my old ideas; help me to see myself as others see me; help me to see past the ego to the truth; help me see what's really going on.'