Sponsor: Make the amend.
Sponsee: But it was a long time ago.
Sponsor: Irrelevant. Make the amend.
Sponsee: But I really harmed them.
Sponsor: Then really make the amend.
Sponsee: But it's complicated.
Sponsor: Then do a clear Step Eight.
Sponsee: But I don't want to waltz back into their life.
Sponsor: You're not waltzing. Try again.
Sponsee: But I don't want to walk back into their life.
Sponsor: You're not walking. You're writing the amend then offering a call or a meeting if they are interested in a call or meeting. You're also not re-entering their life. You're not seeking employment, copulation, co-habitation, a date, a business venture, joint tango lessons, or anything else constituting re-insertion into their life. You're writing a letter and maybe having a single, relatively short conversation.
Sponsee: But they've moved on.
Sponsor: Irrelevant. Plus that doesn't mean anything. The Big Book does not suggest we refrain from making amends where the person has gotten over it, left, or changed.
Sponsee: But they're married to someone else now.
Sponsor: Good for them. The Big Book does not suggest we make amends only to spinsters, bachelors, widows, widowers, and divorcees. Also, again, you're not propositioning them, you're apologising at a courteous and formal distance. Married people can receive apologies.
Sponsee: But raking up the past will harm them.
Sponsor: You're not using a rake. You're apologising. No one has ever been wronged by receiving an apology. No one has ever been damaged by that. As long as you don't reveal new information, you're fine. If they're upset, they were upset already, and could really benefit from your humility, sincerity, and recognition of their suffering.
Sponsee: But they don't want to see me.
Sponsor: If you haven't contacted them, how do you know?
Sponsee: They said they never wanted to see me again.
Sponsor: When?
Sponsee: 1997.
Sponsor: So things might have changed, writing a letter making amends isn't going to kill them, and if they want to ignore it they can. We all receive post, messages, and emails we disregard about three words in. But give them the choice. Anything else stopping you?
Sponsee: I don't want to make amends.
Sponsor: Irrelevant. We can be willing to go to work without wanting to. Are you willing?
Sponsee: I'm not willing.
Sponsor: There it is.