When about to make a proposal, set a boundary, or implement another external change, particularly where the change will involve or affect others, it is wise to pause and contemplate.
The setting could be a marriage, a family, a group business meeting or group conscience meeting, the AA or similar service structure, or another organisation or structure.
Here are some preliminary readings and then some considerations.
Preliminary readings
'Alcoholics Anonymous', Chapter 5:
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
'Alcoholics Anonymous', Chapter 9:
All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love. This involves a process of deflation. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his “in-laws,” each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family’s attitude towards himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.
'Alcoholics Anonymous', Chapter 11:
The very practical approach to his problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind, the informality, the genuine democracy, the uncanny understanding which these people had were irresistible.
Tradition III:
Why did we dare to say, contrary to the experience of society and government everywhere, that we would neither punish nor deprive any A.A. of membership, that we must never compel anyone to pay anything, believe anything, or conform to anything?
Tradition IV:
The head promoter wrote the Foundation office. He said he wished he'd paid some attention to A.A. experience. Then he did something else that was to become an A.A. classic. It all went on a little card about golf-score size. The cover read: "Middleton Group #1. Rule #62." Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: "Don’t take yourself too damn seriously."
Tradition IX:
Neither its General Service Conference, its Foundation Board, nor the humblest group committee can issue a single directive to an A.A. member and make it stick, let alone mete out any punishment.
Some considerations for when I have an idea for change:
Why did I come up with this idea?
Did something upset me?
Have I completed the Steps?
Could the idea be coming from something unresolved in me?
Should I progress through the Steps or complete them before making this change?
If the idea arose out of upset, did I work Step Ten on it?
Did I identify what needed to change in my attitude or action?
Have I changed my attitude or action?
Does this situation remind me of something from the past?
Is my motivation to take vengeance for a past wrong against me?
What is the problem that this idea solves?
Will the idea in fact solve the problem?
Is this idea my idea or God's idea?
Did it arise out of prayer and meditation?
Is it consistent with the Steps, the Traditions, and the Concepts?
Do others agree that the problem is a problem?
Have I considered other solutions?
Have I tried other solutions?
Are other solutions gentler, less radical, or less intrusive?
Am I seeking to control or regulate another person's behaviour?
Have I considered simply leaving, switching, or going elsewhere?
Am I seeking to bend an organisation or others to my preferences and tastes?
Is this change for the good of me or the good of all?
If it is for the good of all, is that my real motivation, here?
If I were perfectly patient and tolerant, would the change be necessary?
Does the change need to be made formally by decision or imposition?
Instead, could I simply change my conduct and lead by example?
Would the change improve unity and harmony?
Am I seeking to enforce conformity?
How does this idea sit with the principle of minimum organisation?
What would happen if no change were made?
What would happen if I waited?
Could the situation resolve itself?
How does the idea sit with 'Live And Let Live'?
How does the idea sit with 'First Things First'?
How does the idea sit with 'Keep It Simple'?
How does the idea sit with 'Easy Does It'?
How does the idea sit with 'How Important Is It'?
How does the idea sit with 'Let It Break Around Me'?
Do I have more ideas for change than other people?
What does that say about me?
How are others getting by with fewer?
What does that say about them?
Has anyone ever accused me of being interfering, controlling, or petty?
Do I think I know what's good for the collective or for others?
Have I asked them what they think is good for them?
Has anyone ever suggested Al-Anon to me?
Did I go?
Am I still going?
What would my Al-Anon sponsor or the Al-Anon literature say about this idea?
Do I tend to respond to internal discomfort by making external change?
What am I frightened of?
If I were free of fear, how would I respond to this situation?
Do I feel powerless in other areas of my life?
Am I seeking to exercise power here by way of compensation?
Have I prayed and listened for guidance?
Have I talked this through with my sponsor?
Have I talked this through with other old-timers?
Have I let myself sit with the idea for a while?
Do I have misgivings about the idea?
Do I have fear about the idea?
Do I have tension about about the idea?
Does the decision need to be made today?
Does the decision need to be made right now?