The helping that is provided in AA, specifically between people who are around longer (longer-timers) and newer persons (newbies), is on a very particular basis:
The longer-timer has something that the newbie wants, specifically their experience of recovery is more effective or agreeable, and the newbie would like to learn from that. On that basis, the newbie asks questions or requests input. The longer-timer then provides that, but in the way they see fit. It does not need explaining, justifying, or substantiating. It is what it is. The newbie then gets to run with it or not. Very straightforward!
A bit of explanation can be helpful, but only because this is interesting: when I accept input from someone, it must be on the basis that I trust them, not because I judge the explanation to be sound. After all, I'm the one who is confused, conflicted, disordered, dysfunctional, or otherwise in trouble. My assessment as to the soundness of the explanation is not a valuable contribution to the process.
There are certain methods of help-seeking that aren't so helpful:
1. Defining the form or content of the help the longer-timer is supposed to offer
This can take the form of asking targeted questions but not being open to having the conversation redirected or reframed, for instance, to get at the reason for those specific questions. Some people will ask surface questions to feed the answers into concealed questions. Here, the newbie already has a decision-making framework in place, and is trying to recruit the longer-timer to input into the pre-existing covert framework.
The longer-timer will often wish to propose a different framework, which will solve the problem more openly and effectively. If this redirection or reframing is permitted, great progress can be made.
If the newbie blocks this redirection or reframing and is not open to have their questions questioned, an impasse is usually reached. The newbie typically withdraws (with or without a reproach), and that's the end of it.
When I phone my sponsor or other longer-timers, I make sure I'm prepared to be open with them, to let them guide the conversation, to let them lead me where their instinct would like the conversation to go, and be guided by them (not by me) as to the best way to solve the problem I think I have got.
In almost every conversation with my sponsor, with my other half, and with my best friend, they spot all sorts of things I have missed, and I actually expect them to perform this reframing and question the premises behind my opening gambit. This is uncomfortable, but this is how help helps. I might think the problem is that I do not have the answer to a question. The problem is usually that I am asking the wrong question.
It is wise to remember that the subject matter of the conversation is the newbie, not the longer-timer. It's the newbie under the microscope, not the longer-timer.
2. Auditing the longer-timer or their experience or input
This can take several forms: checking out what the sponsorship lineage is, asking whether something originates in the individual's experience, another advisor, or a particular resource, asking what books they have read, asking where they got their information from, asking whether they do actually have experience in the area in question, or otherwise digging or delving.
It really is not the longer-timer's job to establish their credentials to the satisfaction of the newbie. This isn't a job interview; the newbie is not a prospective employer.
If I'm not sure I can trust a longer-timer, I observe for longer in meetings, and maybe call and run stuff past them to see if it helps. But I don't overtly audit or vet the person or their experience or input.
3. Pressing the play button
A common gambit is: 'Hey, can you share your experience, strength, and hope on ...?'
Here, the longer-timer is invited to give a little talk or lecture, of indeterminate duration, to no stated purpose other than the general edification of the caller. Longer-timers are not libraries of on-demand audiobooks.
Generally, they're willing to share a lot of experience, strength, and hope, at great length, but at the point in the conversation that they judge this to be useful.
When I ask a sponsor for input, I let them define what input to provide and how.
Footnote
The above model is the model I have found most effective in securing help from sponsors and other longer-timers. Other models do exist, and if you can make them work, my hat is off to you!