'She's the sort of woman who lives for others—you can always tell the others by their hunted expression.' C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (1942) no. 26.
'Don't get your help all over people.' (Anne Lamott)
'LEAVE HIM ALONE.' (My friend's sponsor, emailing my friend advice on how to improve his relationship with his husband.)
Alcoholic households tend to be unboundaried. There is always someone relentlessly trying to improve everything and everyone. Good ideas, kindness, help, and love. Assets, for sure. Grain is great for geese. But no goose wants to be forcefed, even with grain. I'm sure there are people that want to be loved. I suspect that a lot of desire for love is a desire for practical support, rescue, guidance, approval, and praise. But anyway, sure, some people might need to be loved. But a lot of people don't want to be loved actively, as objects: they just want to be left alone, to live their lives as they wish, to learn their own lessons, and to engage as and when they wish. Outside roles where it's my job to be proactive, I help only when asked and when it's appropriate.
In social or more intimate settings, I tend to suffocate others. Here are my tips to myself, which I endeavour to remember increasingly:
- Shut up
- Leave people alone
- Speak when spoken to
- Respond as and when someone reaches out
