Some of us have come up with this checklist of features of our alanonism.
This is multi-purpose. It can be used as self-diagnosis, or as a list of character defects for inventory. The items are grouped for reference. Obviously the characteristics overlap with alcoholism. But there's definitely a pattern here ...
# Narrative
- Blaming others
- Building cases
- Caricature
- Cultivating victimhood
- Demonising
- Dramatising
- Exaggerating adversity
- Focusing on the past / childhood / family of origin
- Focusing on 'their effects on me'
- Focusing on 'them'
- Fostering pathos
- Karpman Drama Triangle
- Lying
- Manipulative euphemism ('hear' to mean 'agree with')
- Masking the truth with metaphor
- Narcissistic storytelling
- Oversimplification / denying nuance
- Speculating about other people's insides
- Talking solely or largely about others
# Persona
- Exaggerating fragility or impotence
- Exhibitionist emoting
- Laughing through own discourse when it's not funny
- Masking unresolved pain with glibness
- Organised joy
- Over-apologising
- Pleading disorganisation
- Pleading general incompetence
- Pleading ignorance
- Pleading incapacity
- Pleading stupidity
- Pleading technological incompetence
- Stating one is smiling or laughing when one isn't
- Stream of consciousness broadcasting
- Theatrical enthusiasm
- Venting
# Interaction
- Anticipating and treating others' hurt feelings
- Anticipating and meeting others' needs inappropriately
- Asking questions to start a fight
- Commentary-ing
- Compensating for others' passivity
- Controlling
- Correcting
- Criticising
- Filling the silence
- Infantilising
- Interrupting
- Lavish gratitude
- Lavish praise
- Love-bombing
- Manipulating by inducing pity
- Masking control as sharing
- Nitpicking
- Not listening
- Offering unneeded encouragement
- Over-comforting
- Over-explaining
- Patronising
- Punishing
- Re-enactment of past dynamics with new people
# Boundaries
- Asking permission already given
- Making requests indirectly
- Setting boundaries then apologising
- Setting boundaries then compensating
- Setting boundaries then fixing the reaction
# Sponsee
- Approval-seeking
- Arguing
- Arousing pity
- Blaming extraneous factors
- Blaming others
- Changing the subject
- Constant updating
- Contextualising
- Deal-making
- Defending
- Denying
- Evading
- Excuse-making
- Explaining
- Expressing good intentions
- Negotiating
- Non-compliance
- Over-apologising
- Over-thanking
- Playing dumb when caught out
- Pleading confusion
- Pleading incompetence
- Trying to have the last word
- Verbal diarrhoea
# Service
- Apologising for following procedure
- Battling on rather than asking for help
- Battling on rather than giving up
- Doing minor favours at great personal cost
- Excessive expectation management
- False-humbling to forefend criticism
- Not intervening firmly when necessary
- Offering help not asked for
- Over-communicating availability to others
- Pre-discounting upcoming performance
- Shame-spiralling following minor errors
- Volunteering when one doesn't have capacity
# Participation
- Adjusting one's behaviour because someone is upset
- Apologising for raising a valid point
- Backseat driving
- Complimenting indifferent performance
- Giving people permission to do what they're entitled to do
- Instructing others on their jobs
- Interfering
- Invoking 'people who've left / might leave' to control the group
- Limelight hogging
- Nightly performance of the same Greek drama
- Overselling the group
- Over-thanking
- Self-criticising when raising a valid point
- Taking charge
When I read this list, I'm opening a great big box of chocolate-covered ouchies.