I’ve used a lot of jargon or formulas over the years, as a way of masking the truth. Let’s look at the jargon, and what is going on underneath. Recovery is rough, because I have to face uncomfortable truths about my internal mechanisms. I’m a perfect child of God—as are you—but I need God to help me uncover, discover, and discard what does not work, and replace it with what does.
The following examples are not trivial or neutral, because they were and are part of a complex defence system designed to pin the blame for my internal condition on external factors and to keep the system in place at any cost, whatever the price I am personally paying. Challenging my own language, what I’m using it for, and what I’m defending with it has been a major project in my recovery.
‘He made me feel A, B, or C’
No; when he did X, Y, or Z, my response, generated by my belief system, made me feel A, B, or C.
'We get angry when people A, B, or C'
Some people might, I might, you might, but not everyone does. Presenting my reaction as a universal and 'natural' response to a situation denies my personal responsibility for my response.
'Malcolm took advantage of me'
No, Malcolm offered a deal that was to my detriment, and I signed up for it, maybe with eyes wide open, maybe half-consciously, maybe unconsciously. Maybe I was tricked. But then, why me? What makes me so trickable? What makes me so take-advantage-of-able?
‘They’re not hearing me’ / ‘They don’t see me’
They can hear me and see me all right. They’re just not interested in what I say, or they disagree with me, or they are not planning to follow my suggestions or commands. Once I figure out precisely what expectation they have not met, I can figure out how to respond appropriately. Maybe I need to find people who are interested; maybe I need to listen to them and see whether they, after all, might not be right. Feigning invisibility does not progress the situation.
‘I just want Sally to respect me’
What is going on is usually that Sally is not agreeing with, praising, or obeying me. Again, I need to get down to the nitty-gritty of the situation to examine whether this is a situation that commands a response.
‘I’m a people pleaser’
What this means is that I do what is wrong in order to curry favour with someone, to forefend bullying, or to seek attention or approval. The truth is that I’m being sycophantic, cowardly, or narcissistic. If they’re a bully, let’s face the fact and bring it out into the open. I might need to say, ‘You’re bullying me. If you continue, I will put the phone down / leave this job / terminate this relationship.’ This pattern is not about genuinely giving pleasure; it’s about covert control and avoidance.
‘I just need to be validated’
When I am looking for validation, I usually just want to be agreed with or told I’m right or good or nice. Sometimes how I’m performing a task does need to be validated; I do genuinely need to know whether I’m doing it right. But this is rarely the motivator: I’ve spent a lot of my life looking for validation but rejecting guidance. Rubber-stamp or co-sign, but don’t redirect. Once I was offered the truth that I am unconditionally valuable—as is everyone else—my job was to accept that truth. Repeatedly seeking validation that I am a good person, or worth something, is a fool’s errand. Such validation slips away like soup through a slotted spoon. If I need the external validation a second time, then external validation does not work, so there is no point in seeking it again. It is up to me to learn and reinforce the lesson myself.
‘I need to sit with my feelings’
I might need to tolerate feeling rough, but that does mean I need to tolerate unhelpful beliefs, thinking, and behaviour. I can feel rough and yet continue to examine what inside me needs to change.
‘I need to honour my feelings’
Feelings are not gods or distinguished public figures, so they do not need to be honoured. They do need to be acknowledged, however, and it’s important to find out where they come from, so that I can fix my faulty beliefs, thinking, and behaviour. As with physical pain, emotional pain should not be ignored, but it should not be glorified, either.
‘I’m entitled to my feelings’
I am indeed entitled to feel bad, but do I want to? What’s in it for me?
‘Be gentle with me’
This means, ‘Don’t challenge my beliefs, thinking, or behaviour, because I’m not yet willing to look squarely at the truth.’ This was a particular favourite when I was looking for relief rather than recovery. Bedside manner does not hurt, but bedside manner does not heal, either.
‘I feel that …’
This means, ‘I think that / I believe that / I have concluded that’. Because feelings are what they are and cannot be challenged, this formula is a way of repelling challenge. If I say, ‘In my assessment, …’, the assessment can indeed be challenged.
‘Sally has bad energy’ / 'Gavin is toxic'
Sally is not meeting my demands and expectations for how a person should be and behave. I’m observing her comportment, and it is not to my liking.
‘I’m in a bad place in my life right now’
This means I’ve made bad decisions and now I am facing the consequences.
‘Life does not stop happening just because I am sober’
This means I have not done the necessary work to change my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour, so I am continuing to react unhelpfully to external factors.
‘Life is not a bed of roses’
This means I’m blaming my emotional condition on factors beyond my hula hoop of responsibility.
‘I’m only human’
I have used this as a defence against self-examination and change, because I was offended at the notion there was something wrong with me or that I was responsible for how I felt. It’s true that I will have to learn to tolerate only ever being work in progress, but the work must indeed be in progress. I should not use this as justification for not working to improve my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour. Chiding myself for my faults is hopeless: I need to spot, communicate, and surrender them to God, but viewing them as inviolate inbuilt features rather than maladaptive solutions to non-existent problems does not help either.
'I'm a perfectionist'
This sounds almost like a virtue. It's not. This can mean I'm scared of getting it wrong so I don't do it at all, in which case I'm a rationalising procrastinator. Or I can get mesmerised by trivial detail, in which case I'm a fussy bean-counter. Or I shame-spiral when something's not perfect (whilst being sanguine about others' imperfection), in which case I'm an entitled princess. Or I'm enraged when anything is imperfect, whether at my or another's hand, in which case I'm terror-stricken and compensating with maniacal control.
'Oh, Millicent, she's so passive-aggressive'
True passive aggression requires passivity (saying or doing nothing). What people usually mean is aggressive by implication or even actually aggressive.